Broken angel
by tenderbaby
Summary: Edward left and Bella is changed. 10 years later she is a star in the music industry. But will she forget her past?
1. Chapter 1

BPOV

Monday again. I opened my eyes when I heard the phone vibrating on the table in my hotel room, even though I didn't have the desire to get up and answer it. I didn't have any desires left now, except the need to forget the pain burning in my soul, overwhelming everything in me. I knew I had to make it though the day, I knew I had to live just one more day, and I knew I will be in the same position tomorrow- trying to find some reason to get out of the bed. Just to get out of bed. But I refuse to think now-there is no point in memories and the past-every day is the same as the others-without him. the phone rang again. I had to answer it.

"Bella? Oh, god! Finally!!! You know he have appointment in 1 p.m. with the producer. He needs to hear the songs. " an enthusiastic voice. Must be Steve.

" Bella?"

"yeah, Steve, I know. Be in your place in 30 min." I sighed and hang up the phone.

At least the day won't be so dull. Since the music is the only thing that saves me now, if anything can save me. I needed to go to that meeting-but the thought of the photographers and the reporters outside the hotel brought be back to my dull existence. I loved my music and my band but the attention it brought to me is just killing me. All this shoots and magazines and the lies in the press – who knew that the girl from the little town of Forks will be a star some day. Well, not girl-vampire will describe me better now since the last time my heart has beaten was 10 years ago. Again not true, the last time my heart has beaten was 10 years and 2 months ago- the day he left me ,but I refuse to remember. I can't remember this now. I had to forget. I went to the bathroom and opened the cupboard-I knew I had to have something here- diazepam or something of the kind. Something to make my mind dull and non-responsible. I scanned the different bottles there but nothing was of any help. Then I remembered-I was in a hotel, another hotel and there is nothing mine in here except the clothes I brought. Fuck, I have to get out of here and make it to Steve's. I'm sure had has something which will make me forget.

I took a quick shower and put something on. Since the day I become vampire there is no point in spending quite a time in my appearance- I was beyond the words that describe beautiful women. My hair was sparkling and dark, in soft waves to my waist ,my eyes were enormous and topaz, my pale skin was luminous and sparkling with no flaus, my full lips were pink and savoury. As if I needed all this, since he was gone. I just looked at my reflection and the dazzling woman in the blue dress looked me back with her empty eyes. I was afraid- is that me? The emptiness just absorbed me, I felt like I was drowning in the sorrow and self-pittiness. I really needed to get out of here.

I got the keys and my phone from the table and hurried to the door. I didn't need anything else from this room. Like always I left all the clothes I have brought. In the next town I will get new ones, just like these- again to be left in some expensive hotel room, which was not home. i didn't have home, I didn't need one- my home left me and took everything with him. The day was going to be very long- I have thought of him more than I have allowed myself for the last month and I was sure it was going to reflect on me. The last time I did this I ended in a bar, unconsciously drank and with a man I didn't know. I just needed to make it to Steve's

In the moment I left the hotel a group of reporters surrounded me and the flashes of cameras blinded my eyes. I tried to get through them and put my sunglasses but there were microphones stuck in my face.

"Bella Lee, is it true that you and Steven Maoyer have a relationship beside your work?"a girl maybe in her 20's eager to get the answer of me asked in hurry running alongside with me. Must be her first job, since the look in her eyes was pure determination .

I just pushed the microphone refusing to answer. I really felt very pissed off, but there was no desire in me to contradict any of the statements that I read everyday about me and my life in the press. Why should I explain my life and my relations to people who have nothing to do with me. I hardly pay any attention to the lies they keep writing about my so-called life. If only they knew the truth about me- I just imagine the look in their eyes- and a slight smile touched my lips. The man next to the girl saw my smile and misunderstood it for confirmation.

"So, you have a relationship with him. When did you two understand that all between you is more than work?"

I hurried to the car and opened the door. As soon as I got in it I felt relief and started the engine. I loved my car, and the feeling the speed brought me-I felt free and without any boundaries. Steve made me buy it but I didn't regret my decision the moment I looked at it- bugatti veyron 16.4 grand sport – the beautiful silver body paint and the little svarovski diamonds on it he ordered. They formed my name and I really was very thrilled by this small gesture. Steve was the best friend everyone could wish to have.

In 20 min I was in front of his mansion and the door opened before I could tell my name in the speaker .i drove to the allay to his front door. He was standing there waiting for me and there was a huge smile on his face.

'Hey,Bells. I thought you get lost in the way."

"Come on, sweet. When have I ever got lost?" said I when I got out of the car. He got me in his arms and placed a kiss on my chick.

"Stunning as always . Oh,girl , spare my heart. It hurts to watch you."

"Steve,don't forget yourself. Marta will kill me if you don't stop watching me like that. You know, there is enough speculation for the connection between us." I took his hand and headed to the house. He just shrugged

"Bells, Marta will never do something like that. She loves you more than I do. Let me guess, you were caught again at the hotel."

"Yeah,they were quite eager this time and I am afraid of the news tonight."

I just didn't want to know what I would hear in the just laughed and hugged me.

"Baby, don't be so pessimistic. They can't think of nothing new."

We entered the house and I just sank in the sofa and closed my eyes. I felt Steve sitting next to me, and his arm embraced me.

"What is it? You look very down." His voice was worried.

"the usual. Please,tell me you have Diasepam or something of the kind. I just can't think ."I looked at him with pleading eyes and he sighed. Then he stood up and I felt his hesitation.

"You know ….i hate seeing you like that. Babes, just tell me it is not him again. It is been 10 years you try to move on."

I looked at him with the clear notion not to show any emotions but I knew that the pain in my eyes can't be hidden from his penetrating gaze .I was at least relieved that he never used the name of the person who brought me to this state of constant agony. Steve knew all about me, since the night he found me broken and dying. It was difficult to pull down all the walls around me but he somehow managed to and I poured all my sorrow and pain for first and last time in front of someone. He just listened and since then I have never seen anything but constant support from him. He was vampire as well and there were no secrets between us- he understood me completely and never for all the years of our friendship has he questioned my decisions.

"Ok, Bells. I will give you but please,please promise me to try to cope without drugs. I'm sorry I ever let you try something like that." I saw how sorry he is and how I hurt him doing this but I just couldn't help myself. I just needed to feel normal for some time.I just wanted to ran away from the pain and the sorrow which were constant partner of my day.

"Daniel and Peter are on their way and will be here in 30 min,so we can practice for some time before the meeting. Natasha also called and she will meet us in front of the producer's office so …" he was gone for what seems like 2 sec and gave me the bottle of Diasepam.

"Thank you." I took some,I didn't see how many but it never matters-they would never be enough to make me forget and I saw Steve's hand stretched towards me.

"Give me some. At least we can be two in this." I saw his faint smile and I was relieved again for his support. He was the only one who can find something good in all the bad situations of our lives. Well ,not the only one..I used to know someone like him-someone like a big teddy bear, who I used to love like brother.. Fuck, I can't think of now.

"So , when are we going to hunt? Daniel and Peter are getting very irritated lately." Steve laughed saying that and looked me with a hint of playfulness in the eyes. Peter and Daniel loved to hunt with me-they used to tell that I looked like a fluffy kitten trying to catch mouse two times bigger than it- and were very sorry when I went hunting without them.

"What about tonight?" I haven't hunt for two weeks and even though I didn't feel thirsty I couldn't deny them anything. Steve gave me a dazzling smile and looked to the music room.

"Great, they will be happy .Let's go to the room. We can have look at the new songs while they come." I stand up and felt the effect of the Diasepam. There was a faint tickle in my toes and my feelings were little dull so i didn't quite remember how I got to the music room. That was good- I could think of something different of him now, at least till the effect of the drug was still there.

"What are we going to play for the producer?"

"I talked with Natasha. She said that he wanted to hear all the songs for the album. What do you think?"

"Steve ,you know what I think. We can play all that we have now. But there are some lyrics I wrote down, but didn't have the chance to show you. We…"

He interrupted me."Great. I want to see them and we can come up with some music for them."

"Well, well.. Bella Babes,what do I hear? You didn't show me the new Lyrics?"

I turned around and saw Peter and Daniel entering the room.

"Pits, Dan. You know, I just come up with them." I laughed when Daniel lifted me form the ground and embraced me and Peter tried to get me from him to embrace me as well.

"Hey ,morron. I want to hug her as well. Let her go" Daniel gave him a dead glare and put me on the ground. Peter got me in his arms and didn't let me for some time

"So, when will we see them? I just can't wait. Tell me are they heartbreaking as always?"

"What do you think?" I smiled evily and he just sighed.

"Well, knowing you there was no point to ask. But you know, I love being heartbroken"

I just laughed and got the notebook from the desk next to my piano. The three of them just waited patiently to give it to them and for some minutes just stood speechless..

"I think I have some tunes in my head for this one." Said Daniel and for the next 3 hours we were just practicing and the end we made 2 new songs and we were all quite satisfied of the result.

"Natasha will kill us if we are late for the , it's not like she can kill us, but you got the point." said Steve and we all laughed from the thought of Natasha trying to harm us in any way. We went to the cars and in 10 min were in front of the producer's studio.

Natasha was already there,and from the look in her face I could tell she was quite pissed. there were reporters all around her and she was trying not to pay any attention to them and all the questions they were asking her. She was our manager and there was hardly a person with more patience than her but I could tell that even she was annoyed from all the nonsence they were trying to make her confirm. When she saw the cars she just came nearer and I could see the relief on the face.

"Come, this way." We run to the entrance and Steve, Daniel and Peter got me in between them so the reporters couldn't reach me .Once we got in the studio we saw the producer Greig Nori waiting in front for smiled and reached us to shake hands.

"Nice to see you. So, shall we start?'

For the rest of the day we performed all the songs several times so we could decide which will be in our album and discuss all the details for the coming tour and finally when we were done Natasha proposed we leave.

"I want to start shooting the first clip for the album." She looked at me and I knew that I wouldn't like what she was about to ask.

"Bella, I want you to be in the clip. In fact the director requested it. I know how you feel about it but you have to do it." She looked me with determination and I knew that there was nothing I can do.

"Bells,baby, that is on,you can't hide forever. Everyone will be thrilled to see you in the clip. You know you will make your fans more than happy." Peter was laughing when he said that and I just gave him a dead glare. I didn't want to be in a clip, but in fact we were supposed to be in a tour and everybody have already seen me and he was right-there was no point in hiding. There was no way they haven't seen me yet-my photos were everywhere-, and they haven't made any attempt to reach me. So, I shouldn't be afraid of finding me. They already knew.

"Ok, but I hope it is worth my effort!"

Peter, Daniel ,Steve and Natasha were staring at me with open mouths-they were expecting more resistence from me. I must smiled at their disappointed looks I loved to surprise them.

"Oh, come on. Shut your mouths. What should I do in this damn clip?

Natasha was almost bouncing from happiness and told" We will be shooting the clip tomorrow. Make sure you are here at 8 a.m" and she was gone in a second. Natasha was human and didn't know that we are vampires .We often wondered how she never found out the truth about us, because we often forgot about her presence and behave like ourselves. I am sure that she suspected something but she was quite far away from the real reason for our behavior. Peter told me that she thought we were constantly abusing drugs and that was ok with her, so I just let her think this way.

"Ok, guys. Seems we are free for the night. What about a hunt?"

I looked at them and they were all with huge grins on their faces . We directed ourselves to the cars and were gone in the blink of a eye.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

EmPOV

Rose was again with Alice in the mall. I just couldn't get what the two of them were doing in this mall all the time. As if there were any clothes left that they already didn't own.

Carlisle was at the hospital again, he hardly came back here and I didn't blame him. If I had a chance to run away from here that was what I would be doing. This place was such a boredom and was torture to stay here with Edward and his constant depression. Jasper was sitting with me on the couch and I really couldn't remember the last time we played with the wii. As if we played with anything. The TV was on and again the music channel was on mute. Edward hated to listen to music since we left Forks and we didn't want to piss him off so we just watched. Jasper was in constant depression and I really felt sorry for him. The dull expression on his face was only litten when he had seen Alice, but she was gone again so I just sighed and turned my attention to the TV again. There was something new, I hadn't seen this clip before. Must be some new group, but i thought the mood in it is just like the mood in the house I was living. All this snow and the piano the girl is playing on. OH, nooooo…..

I looked at Jasper who was watching somewhere in the nowhere but he felt my gaze and turned his attention to me .I just pointed to the TV without a word and saw the expression

on his face. I was not wrong. That was Bella. I jumped and dragged Jasper from the room to my Jeep and drove off.

"Oh, man, did you just saw this?" I noticed the horror on Jasper face.

"Do you think he heard our thoughts? Oh, dude, hope we were fast enough." Jasper was speechless, a state I haven't seen him for quite a time.

"Is that really her? It couldn't be her. There were 10 years since we last saw her and she was.. oooohh.. man…. Noooo…. It couldn't be that… she was the same…." Jasper looked at me and I saw in his eyes that he was thinking the same thing.

"Oh, man.. She can't be vampire! " I couldn't believe it but deep inside I felt a wave of joy which overwhelmed me. My sister was one of us. Finally there was something good in the world.

"Em, don't be so happy. You know that Edward will freak out. We can't tell him anything." Jasper was pleading and I knew he was right. Just I couldn't stop the happiness from the thought that our family can be whole again.

"Em, where are we going by the way?"

"To the mall. How can you ask? " I looked at him like he has lost his mind. I really needed to find out as much as I can. My sister was on MTV and I needed to know what the hell is going on. We haven't bought any music for, let me think, seems like 10 years. Since we left Bella in Forks.

As soon as we got to the mall and parked the Jeep in front of it I saw Rose and Alice running in human speed to us.

"Em, Jass, I just got a vision of you in here and … what are you doing here? What happened? I haven't seen anything wrong with Edward.." Alice said all that in a second and looked at Jasper. He just looked bewildered and didn't know what to say.

"Alice, we were in the living room and we watched TV when there was a clip and you will never guess who was in it." Alice was looking at me expectantly and Rose came to me and punched me.

"Who was in it ,Emmett?"

"Bella…" The two of them just stared at me and it seemed like they were in shock.

"What are you talking about, Emmett? Are you out of your mind? Bella? Like Bella?" Rose was looking at me disapprovingly.

"Yeah, Bella like our Bella. Me and Jasper are going to the music store to find the CD. Are you coming?" They all ran after me and in no time we were there. I saw the name of the band and tried to find the CD in the music section. It was everywhere- it seemed they were quite famous but since we didn't care much about music we haven't noticed anything about the band till was a DVD as well with their clips and we took them both. We paid and hurried out of the mall. When we got to the cars Alice stopped.

"We can't go home. Edward will hear us. I don't think it is a smart idea to see all of this."

"Let's go to a hotel for some time. I will call Esme and tell her we will be out for the night but won't tell her about Bella for now." Said Rose and we all agreed with her.

The nearest hotel was not very luxurious but I hoped there were some DVD players in there so we just booked the first apartment they offered us and headed to it. As soon as we got in there I put the DVD in it and put the volume on max.

The first song was the one me and Jasper saw on MTV. When I heard the voice I was sure it was Bella. And I really felt shivers when I heard what she was singing.

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside  
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without  
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow  
Oh but God I want to let it go

Come to bed, don't make me sleep alone  
Couldn't hide the emptiness you let it show  
Never wanted it to be so cold  
Just didn't drink enough to say you love me

I can't hold on to me  
Wonder what's wrong with me

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside  
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without  
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow

Don't want to let it lay me down this time  
Drown my will to fly  
Here in the darkness I know myself  
Can't break free until I let it go  
Let me go

Darling, I forgive you after all  
Anything is better than to be alone  
And in the end I guess I had to fall  
Always find my place among the ashes

I can't hold on to me  
Wonder what's wrong with me

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside  
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without  
Lithium, stay in love with you  
Oh I'm gonna let it go

We all looked like something very hard had stricken us. Jasper was shaking from the intensity of the emotions he felt. Bella was so devastated that we all wanted to cry if we could. She looked so gorgeous and beautiful that even Rose was little jealous but the pain in her eyes was so enormous I felt like falling. Alice was dry sobbing and all she was saying was' How could we… how could we… "

The clip was only Bella, a piano and the snow around it. When it was over the other clip started. The name of the song was "My immortal" and we all knew to whom all the songs would be dedicated . The clip was again Bella all in white and the pain she felt.

I'm so tired of being here  
Suppressed by all my childish fears  
And if you have to leave  
I wish that you would just leave  
Because your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I've held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me  
by your resonating light  
But now I'm bound by the life you left behind  
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams  
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I've held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you´re gone  
And though you're still with me  
I've been alone all along

We all watched without a word and I thought I was not the only one with nothing to say. It hurt to see our little sister so broken and we knew that was all our fault. I wanted to turn it off but Jasper stopped me and we watched the whole DVD. In the end there was an interview with the band and we listened to everything she said. Bella was sitting in a sofa with 3 men-in fact they were vampires, because their eyes were the same colour as ours- and she looked extremely gorgeous in her purple dress. One of the man was embracing her and I heard the protective growl from Jasper. Well, I felt the same way- who was he to embrace my little sister. I dreamed about hitting his face, but Rose just looked at me as if she knew what I was thinking and I silently listened to the interview.

"Bella, everyone knows that you are behind all the songs as writer. Is there a specific person to whom you write all the songs?" asked the reporter.

Bella looked at the others of the band who just nodded to encourage her and she answered in her melodic voice; "Well, every song writer has to have a muse. And I write what I feel ,so, it seems like the answer to the question is yes. There is a specific person but that's all I will tell about this."

" Your first album was huge success. You were number one for 38 weeks and won 4 Grammy's .How do you feel about that?" The man next to Bella answered:

"Well, it was difficult in the beginning. All the attention we got –it was an end to our lives because there was no peace and anonymity after that. I think Bella got through this harder than the others."

"Yeah, I have lived all my life in a small town and all the lies and the news about me everywhere just pissed me off but I'm fine now. I hardly pay any attention ." said Bella while she was smiling at the man next to her.

"There is a lot of speculation about the connection between the two of you. Bella, is it true that you and Steve are more than colleagues?"

Alice looked frightened from the question and stared at Rose who had identical expression on her face. They were interrupted by Bella's answer.

"I think that our personal life is not important- what matters is our music. All I will say is that our connection is more than that. We are friends." Steve smiled at her and the other man with the blond short hair got her hand and patted it encouragingly.

The other part of the interview was about their new album and the songs in it.

"Bella, is it true that you tried to kill yourself?" the men in the band all stiffen at the question and Bella's eyes were for a second pitch black and full of pain.

"It seems like everyone wants to know the answer to this question. In fact that is true. There was a very hard period in my life when I didn't have a reason to live and maybe that brought me to this decision. That's in fact how I met Steve. He was the one who saved me. And that was how we started the band."

We stopped the DVD. Alice looked devastated and Jasper and Rose just collapsed on the sofa.

"What have we done to her?" Alice's eyes looked blank.

"It seems like we completely destroyed her. But we found her now. I think we should bring her back with us. In fact she is our little sister." All looked at me like I have said something stupid.

"How do you think she will react when she sees us? Look at her! She is broken!" Rose just stared at me trying to persuade me to look at things from her point of view.

"I know , but we can try. Come on, Edward haven't stopped loving her for a second and I'm sure she loves him too. Come on, guys. We've got to do something. Look at our family! It is falling apart!" I looked broken . I just couldn't think of anything else to say.

"Emmett is right. But how can we get to her? I mean she is a star for god's sake! And these three don't look like they didn't care." Jasper pointed to the other members of the band.

"This is going to be hard. But you know ,I have connections " Alice's face lit up as she said that and got her phone frantically browsing through the numbers in her phonebook.

"What about Edward?" We all looked at Rose when she said that. She was right. There was no way we should tell him. At least not now.

"I think we should block our thoughts for some time when we are around him." Said Jasper cautiously. Alice thought for some time and said.

"I think that is best. I don't see him finding out from us, so it is decided. Block your thoughts and never -I said never- think of Bella. I don't know what to do about Carlisle and Esme."

"Better tell Carlisle but I'm not sure about Esme. She looks so depressed that it is possible to forget to guard her mind and Edward could see what she is thinking. " Rose said. We all agreed that for now Esme and Edward should not be told.

"So, we have to find a way to contact Bella." I said and then I heard Alice talking on the phone. She ended the conversation and there was an enormous smile on her face.

"The band is about to have a tour around the country. And guess who has 4 tickets?" She was jumping up and down and Rose joined her. Jasper was smiling as well and I felt happiness at the thought that we would have our little sister back.

"I think we should buy tickets for the first flight to Los Angeles" said Alice and she and Rose headed to the mall to get all they needed for our trip.

"Emmett, Jazz, I think it is better not to go back to the house. Edward might feel we are up to something … " Alice said and we both nodded. Jasper went to the TV and switched it on. We just stared at the clips of the band, still not believing that this is our little sister.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N I don't own any of the characters in the story, they belong to SM, and the lyrics are property of Evanescence.

Chapter 3

BPOV

"Natasha, you just enjoy torturing me! Why did I ever agreed to this?" I looked at myself in the mirror. I was wearing a white silk dress which was tightly around every curve of my body. My hair was in soft waves on my back and the make-up I was wearing- well, there was more make-up than I have ever wore in my life.

"It's a clip. The stylist decides what you wear and how you look. Come on, sweet, you are gorgeous."

"I agree."

"Daniel!" he hugged me and kissed me on the chick.

"Babes, you are stunning! " I laughed at his expression.

"Come on, let's get over with this! I can't wait for the break." They all laughed at my hesitation and after 3 hours of constant shooting all the scenes for the clip were taken. I was playing on my piano and there was snow all around me. I couldn't stop thinking of him. Every time I touched the keys I felt his skin, I heard his velvet voice whispering in my ear, I felt the tickle down in my back but I just couldn't stop torturing myself. He used to play for me, and I just listened to him and I was so happy to be next to him. But I was not good enough. I understood him- he deserved so much better. I was so ordinary, but ,god, how I loved him! Stop, Bella!!!! Just stop thinking….

"Bells, are you ok?' Steve was watching me and I sensed the worry in his voice.

"Don't worry, Steve, I'm ok. Just got carried away."

"Want to go out tonight? There is a new club in town and we just got some places in the boys can't wait to go there. Are you in?" He looked at me with such puppy eyes I just couldn't say no. I smiled at him and told:

"I'm in, of course! When are we going?"

"What about 10?" he looked at Daniel and Peter who just shrugged. It seemed ok with them so 10 was the time.

"Ok, will be there at 10."

"Oh, Bells. Where are you staying? I know what you'll say, but you can always be at my place."

"Don't worry. I need to do some shopping and maybe will find a room in some hotel. For some time." He looked at me questioningly.

"Some time? You mean more than one night?"

"Yeah, for some time.' And I left them staring while I hurried to my car.

My visit to the mall was quite short .I knew what I was looking for and as soon as I found it I left. The paparazzi were after me and there were some fans who wanted autographs so I just ran away to the first hotel I saw. I booked an apartment for indefinite time and as soon as I got in I felt the relief. I needed to find a home. Some place where I could return to and which would be shelter from all the pain and sorrow. But there was no such place on earth-my home was in his arms, and he didn't want me to be there. I broke and fell on my knees. The sobs were so strong I couldn't stop them. I just shook and lay there on the floor .He left me. He didn't love me anymore, if he ever loved me. I just didn't know what to do-the pain in my heart was overwhelming and suffocating- there was nothing I could do to stop it. I couldn't die- million times I have wished to just erase myself and be gone, but there was no such option. All I could do was to lie there and suffer. He left me…

I wanted to write, I just needed to write about all that I was feeling and all that was tormenting me, but I couldn't make myself move. I knew I had to get up and reach my notebook, but there was no strength left in me. Maybe if I laid there eventually I would forget everything. But that was hardly possible. He was carved in every tissue of my being and there was no such thing as forgetfulness. I could only dream about forgetting him-he was part of me. I just couldn't believe that he didn't love me that way. That he lied to me about his feelings, that all was a dream. Such love could not be a lie.

I didn't remember how I got up , I even didn't remember how I got to the notebook.

I can't run anymore  
I fall before you  
Here I am  
I have nothing left  
Though I've tried to forget,  
You're all that I am  
Take me home  
I'm through fighting it

Broken,  
Lifeless,  
I give up  
You're my only strength.  
Without you,  
I can't go on,  
Anymore,  
Ever again

My only hope,  
(All the times I've tried to run)  
My only peace,  
(To walk away from you)  
My only joy,  
My only strength,  
(I fall into your abounding grace)  
My only power,  
My only life,  
(And love is where I am)  
My only love

I can't run anymore,  
I give myself to you  
I'm sorry  
I'm sorry  
In all my bitterness,  
I ignored  
All that's real and true  
All I need is you  
When night falls on me,  
I'll not close my eyes  
I'm too alive,  
And you're too strong  
I can't lie anymore  
I fall down before you  
I'm sorry  
I'm sorry

My only hope,  
(All the times I've tried to run)  
My only peace,  
(To walk away from you)  
My only joy,  
My only strength,  
(I fall into your abounding grace)  
My only power,  
My only life,  
(And love is where I am)  
My only love

Constantly ignoring  
The pain consuming me  
But this time it's cut too deep  
I'll never stray again

My only hope,  
(All the times I've tried to run)  
My only peace,  
(To walk away from you)  
My only joy,  
My only strength,  
(I fall into your abounding grace)  
My only power,  
My only life,  
(And love is where I am)  
My only love

My only hope,  
(All the times I've tried to run)  
My only peace,  
(To walk away from you)  
My only joy,  
My only strength,  
(I fall into your abounding grace)  
My only power,  
My only life,  
(And love is where I am)  
My only love

I poured all my emotions in the lyrics. I felt empty and alone. I hardly ever felt other way when the pain was muffled, and I knew that it wouldn't last long. I was so used to its constant presence that when it was gone I felt like something is missing.

I knew that I had to be at Steve's in 30 min so I got up and went to the shower. Then I put on my black lace corset, my pink mini skirt and pink pumps from Stella's last collection. I didn't put any make-up except for some lip gloss and headed to Steve's. There were paparazzi outside the hotel so I ran to the car and drove off. They were shouting something but I didn't pay any attention to their questions and statements. I just needed to run away.

Daniel , Steve and Peter were already waiting for me. When they saw me their mouths fell open.

"Bells, you know we have to kill somebody tonight. How do you suppose we can bring you home tonight without a fight? Please, put something on! These are hardly clothes!" The pain in Peter's voice made me giggle.

"Oh, Pits! Come on! I have clothes!" I hugged him but it looked like it wasn't enough.

"I think we better stay here. I know we are vampires but definitely someone will have problems tonight." Daniel looked grumpy but I just kissed him on the chick and told him playfully:

"I promise to behave. No any other men beside you and we leave as soon as you wish." They looked at me like they didn't believe me but finally agreed.

"And please, please no martini tonight. I still remember what you did to my favorite shirt." Steve was giggling but Peter seemed like he hadn't forgotten what happened to his shirt. I just shrugged and headed to the car.

There was quite a crowd in front of the club, and I was about to give up entering when the bouncer saw us and at once there were guards next to us who escorted all of us to the entrance. We went to our places and as soon as we were seated the waitress brought some liqueur to the table. I looked at Peter who was trying to sustain himself but the desire to have a sip was overwhelming him and I tried not to fall from my place when I started laughing. Steve was already on the floor and Daniel was giggling while Peter glared at him. He tried to compose himself but his attempt failed.

"Come on, Peter! We understand! But you know, telling me no martini is the same telling you no liqueur! " Steve was rolling on the floor and I hardly suppressed a giggle.

There were a lot of people from the music industry at that time in the club and we didn't stay for a minute alone. I could hardly take their hands off me and Peter, Daniel and Steve did their best to help me. If someone was observing me he would see a girl having fun, but deep inside I was screaming. The pain was there again and I just needed to forget. Daniel knew about my mood and passed me an X. I silently thanked him and went to the bathroom. There were some women in there but I didn't pay any attention to them. I just locked myself and tried to compose myself . I felt so shattered and lonely and broken. I heard all the gossips about me they were shearing-it seemed they have recognized me, so I could only run back to the club. Daniel looked at me and whispered:

"Wanna dance?"

"Thank you. You save my life."

We were on the dance floor and I felt the effect of the x. The pain was not so overwhelming now and I just let myself to the music. I was not thinking- I was only feeling- and I was relieved that the sorrow and the emptiness were missing. Daniel held me in his arms and I was grateful that he was there- he pushed away all the men trying to get to me. After some songs Peter came and told us that we were about to leave. I took his hand and the rest of the martini bottle and we were gone.

"Well, Bells. You behave tonight so… you get a reward." Steve whispered.

"And? What's the reward?" Daniel and Peter were curious as well .

'"Movie night at my place." We all stuck our fingers in our throats like we were going to throw up.

"Come on, Steve ! That's punishment ,not a reward! " We were all shouting at him, complaining, but he just smiled.

"NO way! Movie night!"

We looked at him and headed to the mansion like we were going to be beheaded.

Daniel whispered: "Wanna bet? He will make us watch Dracula."

"I bet on Blade Trinity" I said, and 2 seconds later Steve shouted ."What about Blade? Trinity?" I laughed at Daniel's disappointed face and stretched my arm to collect my money.

"I told you" I said giggling and Peter came to us. "Gambling again? Let me guess, Dan, you lost again."

Daniel glared at him and sat on the sofa. I sat next to him and Peter placed himself on the other sofa.

"So, when are leaving on the tour?" Steve asked. He sat next to Peter and looked at us questioningly.

"I think Natasha mentioned 12th. We have 2 days, so I think we can manage hunting and all other stuff we need to do. Is Marta coming, Steve?" I looked at him hopefully. Marta was his girlfriend and she was a model. I loved her like a sister and was really hoping to spend some more time with her.

"No, Bells. She has some photo shoot in Buenos Aires and will be there for two weeks." Marta was a human and she didn't know about us. I was trying to make Steve tell her and eventually change her, they loved each other so much. Just like me and… No, Bella! Don't think of him! But all the thoughts I was trying to push away flooded my mind. Edward… why couldn't you just love me?

"Bells… Bells? Are you ok?" Peter looked at me worried.

I tried to smile but it was too late. The pain washed over me and I started dry sobbing. Daniel hugged me and stroke my hair.

"It's ok, babes. We are here. " He just held me till I was tired of all the tears I couldn't cry. What happened to me? Today was probably the worst day for years- I haven't been so bad since that night when Steve found me. Daniel's hands were so cold and hard, just like HIS. But I knew that this was not his embrace, because he didn't love me. Because he left me all alone, took my heart and my life was supposed to go on like he had never existed.

The next day was in a haze, I hardly did anything or said anything and they were all very worried. Peter called Natasha to ask her if she could postpone the tour but she freaked out .I remembered telling them that I was ok and I could manage through the tour but I was not sure. I felt so catatonic , just everything was so insignificant and of no importance. I knew the time was passing only because I was counting the breaths I took, staring at a point in the wall. I knew it was night, because the room was suddenly dark and silent but I couldn't make myself move. I was slowly slipping from my consciousness and was drown by the insanity. I needed to do something to stay sane. The pain was all around me. I wanted to scream but I couldn't make a sound. Slowly I stood up and went to the music room. I needed to play, I needed the solace of the music to make it through the night.

It's true, we're all a little insane  
But it's so clear now that I am unchained

Fear is only in our minds  
Taking over all the time  
Fear is only in our minds,  
But it's taking over all the time

You poor, sweet, innocent thing  
Dry your eyes and testify  
You know you live to break me -- don't deny,  
Sweet sacrifice

One day, I'm gonna forget your name  
And one sweet day, you're gonna drown in my lost pain

Fear is only in our minds  
Taking over all the time  
Fear is only in our minds,  
But its taking over all the time

You poor, sweet, innocent thing  
Dry your eyes and testify  
And oh, you love to hate me don't you, honey?  
I'm your sacrifice...

[I dream in darkness  
I sleep to die  
Erase the silence  
Erase my life  
Our burning ashes  
Blacken the day  
A world of nothingness  
Blow me away]

Do you wonder why you hate?  
Are you still too weak to survive your mistakes?

You poor, sweet, innocent thing  
Dry your eyes and testify  
You know you live to break me -- don't deny,  
Sweet sacrifice

Peter, Daniel and Steve were watching me. I just stood there ,motionless , my hands on the keys and if I could cry, I would be drowning in my tears.

"He left me." was all I could manage to whisper before I broke down on the floor. All was in some kind of haze and the last thing I remember were his topaz eyes…


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

JPOV

In 3 hours we were in Los Angeles airport .The plane landed and as soon as we were in the hotel I called Carlisle.

"Carlisle, I have to tell you something. But promise not to tell anything to Edward. At least not for the moment" .

"Jasper, what happened?" I felt the worry in his voice.

"We are in Los Angeles. Emmett and I saw Bella in a clip on MTV and we bought tickets for the concert of her band." As soon as I had said it I regretted the decision to tell him.

"What have you done? Are you sure? How can it be Bella?"

"Carlisle, she is a vampire. And we are here to talk to her. How's Edward?" Alice was next to me, trying to hear what Carlisle was speaking.

"Well, this changes everything. I am just worried what will happen. Is she willing to see you? Just try to make it right. And about Edward, I am worried as well. He shouldn't know. I am afraid he is worse than before." I felt Carlisle broke and was amazed-he hardly showed his feelings-his control was indisputable.

"What do you mean?"

"Esme called. He haven't hunt for 3 weeks and he is just catatonic. I'm going home now. Hope to change something."

"Carlisle, please, don't tell Esme .I know Bella is like a daughter to her, but we don't know what will happen here and don't want Edward to find out."

"Jasper, don't worry. Esme and Edward won't find out. Just bring Bella back."

I hang up the phone and looked at the others.

"Edward is worse than before. We got to do something before he's done something stupid. Carlisle is on his way to home and won't tell anything."

They all were worried and relieved at the same time. The concert was supposed to begin in 1 hour so we all got ready and went to the car we rented. In 40 min we were at the stadium. The crowd in front of it was enormous and I could feel the anticipation and joy and lust from all the people gathered. Alice was bouncing in her Manolo Blahnik's and Emmett and Rosalie were giggling. We all were very eager and full of joy that we will see our little sister once again, even though we were not so sure we could talk to her. The guards must be hundred and there was no way to get through them.

Finally we were at our seats. There were people every where and we could hardly move. Alice caught my hand and squeezed it to encourage me, even though even for a second I haven't felt the desire to drink anybody's blood. I was overwhelmed by other emotions –mine and from the people around me. Everyone was screaming Bella's name and I felt quite exited.

Exactly on time the enormous spotlights lit the stage and on the screens there was the clip of "Bring me to life". Alice was screaming with everyone and Emmett and Rose were looking very exited. The three men of the band got on the stage and there were applause all around me. They started playing and then I saw Bella coming. She was gorgeous -wearing black gothic corset, with pink tutu and punk boots. Her hair was straight and quite long and she had a lot of make-up. Her face was on all of the screens. The crowd went wild.

"What's up, Los Angeles? We are very glad to be here tonight on our first tour. We love yea." She bowled to the crowd. Alice and Rose were jumping up and down and screaming.

"We dedicate this concert to all the people who love us. Enjoy. Our first song is called "bring me to life" "Then she started singing. Her rich melodic voice filled the silence and the audience was singing with her. Her eyes were filled with pain and I could feel the emotions that radiated of her- love, hurt , anger, regret and so much sorrow. I closed my eyes- I felt like falling. Alice was holding my hand, and I was grateful she was there for me.

"Our next song is "Lithium". I dedicate this song to the one person I loved."

We all looked at one another, knowing for who she was singing this song. Rose and Alice were about to cry and I hardly could stay still from all the emotion pouring at me at this moment. Bella sat in front of the piano placed on the stage and started playing. We all listened hypnotized to her voice and her pain, while she was bearing her soul in front of us.

There was so many sadness in her music that I understood that this was her way to cope with the emotions. I just couldn't understand how we could leave her so easily and I really felt sorry for what we have done.

After three more songs Bella said:

"Ok, Los Angeles. Have a break! " And she disappeared behind the stage to change.

The crowd was screaming and there was some band to entertain us while Bella was gone.

Alice turned to me:" We got to find a way to talk with her? Do you think there is a way to go backstage?" she looked at me with pleading eyes and I didn't know what to say to her.

"Alice, there is hardly anything that I want more than this, but I don't know how to do it. You saw the guards. Maybe if we talk to the manager of the band or find her house…"

"Jasper, I think I know somebody who can help. Remember the guy from the camp? He is in the music industry. I'm sure he can try to reach her manager." Rose was very exited by the idea, even though Emmett was glaring at her, and I felt the jealousy radiating from him.

"Em, calm down! We are trying to find a way to talk to Bella! If he can help…"

"Sorry, Jazz. Just the guy was all around Rose…" he was shaking from jealousy but Rose kissed him passionately.

"You know I think only about you, Emmett!" There was a huge grin on his face.

Rose called the guy and in 5 min we were granted with backstage passes. Alice was beyond herself from joy and Emmett was mumbling something like "I'll hug my baby sister" all the time.

There were screams all over the place and I saw Bella coming back on the stage. She was wearing a dazzling purple mini dress without any strings which was perfect for her .Her hair was in a messy bun, and I felt the pride coming from Alice.

"We are back, Los Angeles. How are you feeling? Wanna some more? "Bella was walking all around the stage with the microphone when she announced the next song.

"For the next song I want to invite one special person. Steve, come here. "She took his hand and hugged him and she didn't let him go. He took the other microphone and said:

"This song is dedicated to Bella. We all love you, Bells."

They sang together, their voices matching perfectly. His eyes never left hers, like there were no other people around him. I could feel from my place that he loved her more than she knew. I knew that he could have made her happy, but her feelings were very complicated. There was sorrow, love, regret and self-loathing and I was bewildered why she felt this way.

Bella sang some more songs and the audience was jumping and singing with her, like all of us. The show was great with extremely beautiful effects and we were very happy that we came but it was near the end and we went to the backstage to get our passes and prepare ourselves for the meeting that was about to change our lives.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N I don't own any of the characters, they belong to SM.**

**And sorry for my writing, I am not very good at it. Enjoy…**

Chapter 5

BPOV  
"Ok, Los Angeles. Here is our last song. It is called "Going under". The screens behind me lit with the images from the clip we shot 2 days ago and that was the first time we promoted it. I looked at the faces from the crowd below me. Everyone was screaming my name. For first time in so many time I felt like I'm alive. There was so much adoration and joy in the crowd that I wanted to cry. I started singing- and everyone was singing with me. I wish Alice and Rose and Emmett and Jasper and Carlisle and Esme…No, Bella! Don't think about them! Just there was a girl who looked so much like Alice… She has the same hair… Don't look at her! That's not Alice!... I felt so dizzy…Everyone is staring at me… I went to Peter and told him:

"I need to get out of here. I don't feel …" He looked bewildered but looked at Steve and nodded. I sang the last line of the song and the crowd went wild. They were screaming my name but I couldn't make myself smile. Daniel was behind me and he catched me when I was about to fall. I waved to everyone and went backstage.

"More! More! More! More!" everyone was screaming. Daniel, Steve and Peter were still on the stage. I needed to bring myself and get out again. I took several deep breaths and got out to the stage. The screams were overwhelming. I bowled again and hugged Peter and Steve when I stood between them.

"Thank you, Los Angeles. You warm my cold heart. Hope to see ya soon. You are great. It was pleasure to perform for all of you. Goodbye" We waved and then we got out of the stage.

"Bells, are you ok?" Daniel was looking at me and I saw how scared he was.

"Yeah, I'm ok. Just somebody there reminded me of…. Doesn't matter, really. I'm ok." I turned around to go to my dressing room and there were the last people I expected to see in the world.

"Bella?" and the darkness absorbed me.

"Bella, Babes, are you ok….? Sweet, please , come back …" I heard the voice of Steve and I saw Daniel and Peter standing above me. I slowly got up my head still dizzy.

"If I didn't know for sure you are vampire I would be seriously doubted by now. How do you faint?" Emmett. Oh, my God. It is not dream.

"What are you doing here?" They were standing there and tried to come to me. Daniel snarled at them and they stopped.

"Stay away from her." Peter and Steve were glaring at them.

I looked around and saw that I was at my dressing room . At least there were no witnesses.

"Pit, Dan, Steve. Please, don't worry. I really think I should talk with them." I looked at the three of them pleadingly but they just couldn't believe what I was saying.

"Babes, are you sure? These bastards don't deserve to be in one room with you!"

"Pit, really , they are family !"

"The family never leaves!" he was shouting and I just went to him and stroked his chick. "Pit, I have to do it. Better now than never." They looked at me and then sighed.

"Ok, we will be outside. Just call and I will kill them painfully." Steve gave the Cullens a dead glare and they left the room.

I didn't know what to do. I felt the panic grabbing me and slowly turned to face the people who I loved more than anything. They were staring at me. In an instant there was a blur black lightning and I was pushed to the wall from some invisible power.

"Oh, Bella. I missed you so much. I'm so sorry." Alice was hugging me so tightly that if I was human I would be dead by now.

"Alice. I missed you so much!" I felt like some part of me is back. I wanted to cry of happiness but all I could do was stare at her and rub her back.

There were some huge cold arms around me and Alice's embrace was replaced by someone-I was sure it was Emmett, but couldn't make myself open my eyes.

"My little sister is back. It was so dull without you." Emmett was spinning with me and I felt dizzy again.

"Emmett, leave her on the floor. I wanna hug her as well." Rose was pleading next to us. I couldn't believe my ears- Rose wanted to hug me?

I was in her arms and she kept telling me:" I'm so sorry, Bella. Will you ever forgive me?" I just couldn't open my mouth.

Jasper hugged me. I was happy because that's the first time he has ever touched me. I thought that he didn't like me, but he told me: "Bella, I'm so happy to see you again. Now as vampire I can be around you without the thought to drink your blood."

I just laughed and sat on the sofa.

"Wow. That's too much. " I just looked at them not knowing what to say.

"Bella, will you ever forgive us? We are so sorry!" Alice was staring at me and her eyes were full of pain.

"Alice, it's been 10 years. I have forgiven you long ago." But I just couldn't look them at the eyes. They reminded me so much of his." Where is..?" They looked embarrassed and then Rose said:

"Carlisle, Esme and Ed..Edward are in Chicago."

"Bella, they will love to see you. You have to come and see them." Alice sat next to me and took my hand. " We've got to know what happened during all this time."

Emmett sat next to me and hugged me. I felt so save in his arms that I leaned on his chest and closed my eyes.

"Alice, I want to, but I don't think I can do it. I don't… I can't see….him." I felt the pain and the wound in my chest was deep open again.

"Ok, Bella. When you are ready. Just tell when you feel like…" Jasper was sitting on the floor next to my feet and was holding my hand. I felt the wave of calm that washed me. I looked at him, with all the sorrow and pain in my eyes and whispered:

"I just want to forget.." and I couldn't suppress the sobs no longer.

Emmett was holding me and Jasper was doing all he can to calm me down. I didn't know how much time we were sitting like that when I heard a faint knock on the door.

"Bells, can we come in?" Steve was whispering

"Yeah, Steve. Come in.. In fact do you want to leave this place? You can come to my hotel and there we can talk." I said to the Cullens and they all agreed. Steve hesitated for a moment and then said:

"Bells, there is a huge crowd outside. The guards are waiting to bring you out." I just arched my eyebrow questioningly.

Emmett laughed:" Sis, seems like you are a huge star."

Daniel and Peter rushed in the room, both with scared faces;

"Bells, they're gone crazy! Look what they've done to my favorite shirt!" Peter's shirt was torn in several places and I couldn't stop the laugh;

"Pit, I have always thought it is me the one who destroyed your favorite shirt?" he glared at me murderously but everyone was laughing.

"Seems like we would really need the guards." I turned to the Cullens" Do you want to ride with me?" They just nodded and we headed to the exit. There were so many people that I couldn't see anything. I didn't know how I got to the car, with all the flashes of cameras and the screams but finally I was in. I waited the guards to escort all of the Cullens and when everyone was in, I started the engine and we drove off.

"I can't believe you have this car!" Rose was just gaping. I laughed at her expression.

"You like it?"

"Are you mad? I love it!!!"


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N I don't own any of the characters, except Steve and Peter and Daniel... The lyrics are property of evanescence....**

Chapter 6

APOV

Soon we were in front of a hotel and as soon as we stopped in front of it a crowd of reporters surrounded the car. We looked at Bella questioningly. She just smiled faintly and said:

" Welcome to my personal hell." We all laughed and before she got of the car she said:

"Just run to the entrance and don't pay any attention to all they say."

We followed her as she was running to the stairs. There were flashlights and microphones every where. Emmett was holding Bella and was trying to push all of the reporters out of her way.

"Bella Lee, is this your new boyfriend?"

"Is this mean that all between you and Steve is over?"

"Is this the person responsible for your suicide attempt?"

"Bella, when is the wedding?"

Rose was the only one who was actually enjoying all this. She was walking slowly towards a reporter like she was on a catwalk. I grabbed her hand and dragged her to the door.

"What? This guy was really nice and was asking me something."

"Rose, don't forget why we are here."

As soon as we entered the hotel all the shouting vanished and we felt relieved.

Bella looked at us apologetically:

"Sorry, really, I don't pay them any attention, but it must be hard for you." She entered her apartment and we all sat down on the sofa. As soon as she sat next to Emmett and Rose her phone rang and she answered it before the second ring.

"Hey, sweet!... Yeah, I just got here… they were in front, as always… everything is ok… ok…see ya…bye bye!" she hang the phone down and looked at us.

I was seating next to Jasper, who has embraced me and was rubbing my back. From time to time he was kissing my chick lightly. We all waited for her to start.

"Well, you want to know what happened, right?" Jasper nodded and that was all the encouragement she needed.

"Where do I start?"

Emmett said "What about the day we left?" Bella thought for a second and then she looked at us and started:

"Ok, the day you left. I think there is no need no explain the devastating pain I was feeling when the family I considered as mine left me without a single word and the love of my life just walked out of it. I was catatonic for months, I refused to eat and drink anything and Charlie was desperate. He didn't know what to do with me, I refused to live. So he decided to hospitalize me. I cried and shouted and he called my mom who just gathered my stuff and sent me in a hospital in Seattle. From what I knew there was no way to get out of it sane. They tried to persuade me to eat but nothing happened. I was on whatever drugs you can imagine and from their constant attempts to make me eat I couldn't put anything in my mouth even if I wanted. The physical pain I was in was nothing to what I felt deep inside. I didn't have a purpose to live. So in one sunny day I decided to do the only thing that made some sense- to die. I tried to find a razor and finally succeeded. The next night after the check-up I just cut my wrists. But as you can imagine with my bad luck the nurse which was responsible for our floor found me and they saved me. Well, the hell could be heaven in comparison to what happened next. I was moved in another wink, where were the really depressing cases, like mine, I didn't have visitors, they changed my drugs and I hardly had a moment in which to be aware of my surrounding. All was constant haze and flashes of memories, and I was living in what you may call the Hell. There was nothing to do, except staring at the walls and remembering the reason which brought me there. In the few moments I could use my brain, of course. I can't remember how exactly I managed to escape- maybe for first time I did have luck if you call this luck. For days I wandered in the slums, from time to time some drug diller would offer me something to "forget". I didn't have any money, I didn't have a place to go, I didn't know what to do. And the pain was unbearable. I couldn't cry-there were no tears left –I just was without a purpose, without a reason to exist. So I did the only thing that I could do- I found a razor and cut the wrists again. My wounds were still fresh and it was easier than the first time. There was so much blood, but I was not afraid. The pain was finally gone and I was relieved for first time in months. That's when I felt there was someone near me. And as soon as I saw his eyes I was sure that he was a vampire. And I knew that this time I would really die- there was no way to escape him and in fact that was the last thing I thought to do. I just wanted to die. That was the last thing I remember from my human life. The next 3 days were filled with pain, not intense like the pain I felt before, but still pain. When I opened my eyes for my immortal life Steve -the vampire who found me and changed me- was there next to me. He helped me through my first year as a newborn, but in fact there was no need to restrain me because I was repulsed from human blood. That made it easier to live among humans and we got fake ID's presenting us as siblings. We moved from place to place and that's how we met Daniel and Peter in New York. The love for music gathered us. I turned to music for salvation from the depression I was in. I started writing songs and one night in a club in Washington I sang for fun. Luckily Natasha was there and she heard me. She offered us a contract and became our manager. After two months we had an album, which by surprise became number one. That was one and a half years ago, and since then our lives were not the same. You know, all this fame is just too much. So, that's all." She stopped and hesitated before looking at us again.

We were all staring at her with open mouths.

"I told him that was a mistake…but no… why should he ever listen to anyone. He is never wrong.."

"Alice, calm down " Jasper tried to calm me sending waves towards me.

"Alice, I don't blame any of you for what happened to me. We can not change the past. We can only forget it and try to move on. I can't forget what happened, believe me, I tired but there is no such option. I did what I had to do-I tried to move on. I forgave you. But, please, don't make me forgive him. I just can't…Why had he lied to me that he loved me?" The last sentence was a whisper and I was not sure if she really had uttered those words. Bella shuddered and was dry sobbing.

I jumped and sat next to her on the floor, then I wrapped her in my arms.

"Bella, what do you mean?"

I looked at everyone but no one knew what she meant.

"I can forgive you…to all of you…but I just can't forgive him for lying to me… for telling me all those times that he… lo…loved me…that he…needed me…when he saw me just as …as distraction…I can't forgive this….please…from the bottom of my damned soul …just .can't.. even though… I.. I ..want.."

I just stood there, when I felt Jasper pushing me away of Bella. He took her in his embrace and started whispering sweet nothings in her ear.

I just stood there on my knees, when I realized how broken and hurt is Bella. And I couldn't move because what we have done to her could not be undone. I and Edward have hurt her the most and to forgive us was the hardest. I felt powerless because there was nothing I could do to atone my blame. I have broken her beyond words-and I suffered seeing my best friend seeking solace in the embrace of someone else. Even though this someone was my husband I couldn't stop the jealousy I felt. Jasper felt it and looked at me bewildered. I felt how his hands stiffened around Bella and he was wondering how to break the embrace and move from Bella, without hurting her feelings. He looked at me apologetically, but he saw the real reason in my eyes and I felt his understanding.

Rose came to me and embraced me. But I just couldn't move, there was nothing I wanted more than Bella to look at my face with her enormous trusting eyes, to see her genuine smile and to tell me that she forgave me. Bur I knew that this wouldn't happen.

She was shaking again from the sobs she was trying to repress. Finally she raised her head and looked at us with eyes full of despair.

"Please, I want to be alone. Give me some time…"

Emmett vacillated and then stood up. He helped Rose up and dragged her out of room. Jasper took me from the place I was sitting and I heard the door close behind his back.

There was silence when I finally heard Bella sliding on the door and a faint whisper:

"Oh, God! Help me!" baffled by her dry tears.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N sorry it took me some time to update. I finally managed to spend some time writing these chapters, and i'm very grateful to all of you who read my story. In fact I don't think it is good, but i enjoy writing it, so i wouldn't be offended by rude comments. :) And as you know, i don't own the characters...**

Chapter 7

BPOV

'Please, I want to be alone. Give me some time…" I saw them leaving the room and I closed the door. I couldn't resist the anguish and felt like suffocating from all I could have said. So many things were unsaid and I just kept silence.

I slid on the door and when I reached the floor all I could do was to whisper:

"Oh, God! Help me!" and I was obsessed by the sobs.

I needed to move. That was my eternal inner argument since he left me. Should I make the effort or not. I didn't see the point. Why, oh, Why did you have to come back into my life? Why did you bring back all I was trying to forget? Why did you bring back this killing pain? I needed to move. Then everything would be back to normal. But not a single cell in me believed me. I knew that nothing could be ok, not when they were back. Was it not enough all I've been through? I needed to move, just one little move. Just to get to the phone- I was sure that Steve could bring me something to dull the pain. One of the things I remembered from my human life was the forgetfulness these drugs brought me. The feeling was now not intense as it used to be back then, I didn't know the reason why, but it was something. I just needed to get to the phone. But how could you make something which is dead to move? Who was I trying to delude? I was dead. In every aspect- my body and my soul. Oh, Steve, why didn't you leave me to die when I could?

I didn't remember how I got up, somehow I managed to persuade my non responding body to get to the table and dialed Steve's number.

"What's up, babes?" Steve's voice was cheerful.

"I need you." I couldn't recognize my voice- was it me that whispered those words?

"Bells, I'll be there in a minute. Don't do anything stupid." I heard the engine and I hung up the phone.

I was again falling in an abyss. I desperately tried to calm myself, but my feelings were suffocating me and I just couldn't reach the surface. I felt like drowning in the pain, but I felt content- I got used to being in that state. In what seemed like eternity I heard a knock on the door. I saw Steve burst in the room .He looked quite scared and he frantically looked around the room.

"Where are they, I'll kill them. Babes, are you ok? Please, talk to me!" He collapsed next to me and took me in his embrace.

"Bells, please, please, talk to me…"

I looked at him and all could do was to whisper:

"Just make me forget…"

" Babes, you know that if I could I would do it. " the desperation in his voice was killing me. I didn't want him to suffer, he was the one who deserved happiness. But I couldn't do anything to make things right. In my blank despair I thought to forgive Edward and to end my miserable existence in Voltura. But they wouldn't kill me. They would try to make me stay there and my existence would become more pathetic, because I would become a prisoner.

'Please, just make me forget." I was watching him with pleading eyes. My only hope for salvation was death. All I knew was that I could never have his love- I gave all I have to him, and he took it all, and now I was left with nothing except for the shattered remainders of a broken soul and a missing heart.

"Bells… you know I love you more than my own life…what to do? Just tell me what to do?" his voice was shaking of the emotions he was trying to hide.

"Bring Jasper." The only one I felt like talking. I needed his cold arms and his smoothing presence. He was so much like him- he felt like home.

Steve hesitated for a moment then left me on the bed. I heard the door slamming behind him and just stared at the blank spot on the wall.

In 5 min I heard somebody entering the room and I knew it was Jasper the second I felt the wave of calm in the room. He came to the bed and layed next to me, and all I wanted him to do was to take me in his hands. He felt my desire and embraced me. I put my head on his chest, remembering all the nights I have spent with Edward lying like that. I couldn't bear any more of this. I was beyond broken, and just wanted some peace.

"Jasper, please take me home…" was all I could manage to whisper. I felt him stiffen and then he stroked my hair and told me:

"I will take you home"…

RPOV

We took an apartment in the same hotel in which Bella was staying. Alice haven't said a single word since we left Bella's apartment and I was wondering if it was a good idea to come here after all. Bella was trying to live her life without us and our appearance seemed like only made things more difficult for her. Emmett was not the same- he was silent and it hurt to see him like that. Jasper was still trying to cope with the feelings Bella brought to his constant depression. And I felt more down than ever.

"Oh, no. Her future is so unsure .She just keep changing her mind. She plans seeing Edward for last and going to the Volturi." Alice was having a vision and we were all stuck in horror listening to her. Her eyes were again their normal topaz color when she said:" she won't do it. But I can't see her now."

I jumped when I heard someone knocking. I could smell it was a vampire but was surprised to see one of the band-Steve- in front of me.

"I need to talk to you." His was mad of worry. He just stood there not knowing what to do.

"She is worse than ever. I haven't seen her like that and I have seen her in a lot of bad moments. Just don't… " his voice broke. His took a deep breath and went on"…Just don't know what to do. How to help her. "

Alice jumped and went to him.

"Steve, we will do everything to help her. We will never leave her again." She was sobbing and trying to comfort him.

"She wants to talk to Jasper." He said that and left.

We stared at the spot where he used to stay and finally Jasper rushed to the other room. Alice closed her eyes and in a minute there was a faint smile on her lips.

"She will come back home". She opened her eyes and hugged me" Rose, she will be home again." I felt relief for first time in the last days and if there was a tiny chance things to be back to normal I was willing to do anything . Emmett was with a huge grin on his face and I felt urge to kiss him with all the passion I had.

But there was one tiny problem- Edward. What were we supposed to do with him? Bella never told that she planned forgiving him, she obviously wanted to be back home –not to feel lost, to feel that she belonged somewhere, to the motherly Esme and Carlisle, who was like her father. But there was Edward who would be broken when he would see the girl he adored more than life itself. He was my brother, and even though I loved Bella I couldn't allow something like that to happen to Edward. I was torn apart between them- I loved them both and I couldn't choose between them. 10 years ago I chose Edward and seeing Bella now I thought I made the wrong choice when I decided it was better for us to leave. We left her and she was devastated. If I did choose her now would this be the right choice? Would this devastate Edward? I just couldn't leave any of them. And it seemed like there was no future in which they would be together.

"I think we should call Carlisle. Think about Edward, he will be broken. He already is. And Bella is not sure she can forgive him." I looked at them and they agreed. Alice dialed Carlisle's number and I heard his voice in the speaker.

"Carlisle, Bella wants to come back home. But she is ….I can't describe how she is. You will see for yourself. But she is not sure she can forgive Edward." Alice's voice broke down.

"I guess I have to tell him and Esme. When are you coming back?"

"As soon as we buy tickets. Maybe by tomorrow will be home."

"Ok, I will wait for you. Is there any hope for them?"

Alice hesitated then said with shaking voice

"I don't know."

We stood there motionlessly, waiting for Jasper. When he entered the room we all jumped and looked at him expectantly.

"We are leaving with the first fly to Chicago. I can't bear what the two of them are going through! If feelings could kill I would have been dead million times. Just can't it bear any more." Jasper sat on the sofa for a moment before he gathered himself and turned to Emmett.

"Bella is in her room. I have already called for the tickets and the plane leaves in 2 hours. Bring her to the car while we deal with everything here."

We were ready in 5 min and met Emmett in the elevator. Bella managed to stand on her feet and we rushed by the crowd of reporters. They tried to get to her but Emmett just snarled silently and they all backed up.2 hours later we were on the plane with Bella between Emmett and Jasper. She called the others of the group and told them to postpone the other concerts of the tour for now. She was little better and I was praying with all my damned soul that she and Edward would finally be together.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N thanks so much for the reviews,they really make my day. :) In fact I don't know what will happen with this story and I'm little scared... But I will just keep writing and leave the pieces fall to their place :) And I don't own the characters... or lyrics....**

Chapter 8

EPOV

Ten years,3 months ,12 days, 6 hours, 28 minutes, and 34 seconds since I left the reason of my existence. All this time I lingered purposelessly without a hint of her. I still remembered every curve of her body, every feature of her face, her smell still overwhelmed me . I remembered the exact shade of her dark hair, the softness of her lips, the shape of her eyes. I remembered every single word she uttered, every joke she found amusing, every song she sang to…

Time dragged heavily by and every second was like eternity. I stood motionlessly, in the same position for days. I hardly noticed the passing of the weeks, followed by months and eventually by years. I had an eternity of constant emptiness without her by my side. My only desire was peace- to find a way to end my agony- but there was no such thing without her. She was my peace, she was my everything. The dark room absorbed me and I felt like I was lingering between reality and insanity. I knew I was not in Forks- but where was I? It didn't matter though, wherever I was I was alone, she was not beside me so there was no point to know the name of the place. In fact I knew what it was-it was hell. The room was empty except for the couch and the black curtains. I didn't need the light- my personal light was gone, and I was responsible for this-I willingly left her. I couldn't smell her here- she has never entered this particular room but in spite of that her smell had sodden deep inside every cell of my pathetic being. The image of her face kept me sane – I knew she was alive and I would subsist as long as she was on this earth but I knew there would be day when she would die and I would be more than willing to follow her. But I was damned- she was an angel and monster like me would have never be allowed to be touched by her light. I was damned to wish to make her mine- she was pure innocence and I was murderer. But how I adored her- with every cursed atom my body consisted of.

Bella. I thought about her life and the urge to jump and run to Forks almost overwhelmed me but I knew I would never do this! I could never do this because there was no force in the universe to make me leave her once I saw her again. I argued with myself that I needed to just go and check if she was save and happy and then leave her to her life, but my inner voice stuck the truth to me- would I have the power to just be when I would see her happy with somebody else? I was suffering now, but then- there were no words to describe what I would feel then. I didn't know if she would be in Forks though. There were ten years since I last saw her, and she must have moved from the town. She must have been in some college and must have married some normal man, who would have made her happy in a way I never could. I could live through that. I must.

I felt some movement in the room. I knew it was somebody of the family and I just kept wondering why did they bother to enter my room and check on me. I was pathetic excuse for a being and I didn't deserve their support. I was responsible for their unhappiness- I knew it- they had lost a sister and a daughter and to live around me was torture for all of them. Jasper could feel all my emotions and I knew this was more than a punishment . I wanted to help him stop blaming himself for what happened but I just couldn't make myself utter the words. Deep inside I blamed him as well- I knew it was wrong, but it helped me find some way through the pain and the blame that it was not all my fault. Alice lost her best friend- and I wanted to drown myself in her accusing eyes. I wanted to torture myself, because I knew she was right to look at me that way. I didn't deserve their love and the efforts they made to bring me back to my normal state- no, my normal state was this, my previous state was more accurate- but the only thing they could do was to bring Bella back. And that was impossible. Bella had forgotten me like I wanted. There was no trace of my existence in her memory- I took everything that could remind her of me, but I have left so much. I left my heart and my soul. But that was something she didn't know.

Someone was sitting on the couch. I didn't care as soon as he didn't bother me. I didn't need solace and serenity. I just needed to wash away everything and be drown of forgetfulness. I didn't make the effort to read his thoughts- I didn't want to know what he was thinking-I already knew that they were sorry for me and I didn't need their pity. He was talking to me- Carlisle, my father, with his smoothing voice and his calming presence- was saying something I didn't listen to. The stream of words just washed through my brain , and none of them registered any meaning in my empty mind. I just let them slid through me. I couldn't think right now- Bella wasn't here. I didn't need to think. Just to exist while she was alive.

There was silence. I could hear the wind through the leaves in the near forest, every move they made and the muted sound when they rubbed one another. I concentrated on this sound and it was the same as when Bella was walking in the forest treading fallen blades. She was so endearing in the forest. It was autumn and her brown eyes were the same color as the warmth around us…

Carlisle stood up and came to me. I didn't see the movement I just sensed his presence next to me but I couldn't care less. He couldn't comfort me. I felt bad for him- it must be painful to see his firstborn in this condition and to be so helpless-he, the vampire with the super control, but I just couldn't make myself change it. It was inevitable. He placed his hand on my shoulder to console me and then he was gone.

I made myself remember what he was saying. Words. What words did he use?… _Bella?_ No, he never used her name, I was thinking about her and that made me confuse his words and my thoughts. He said _a concert, Los Angeles_. He was just trying to distract me again- but didn't he know I couldn't be distracted with such things. _My siblings coming with her_… I repeated the words several times, but they couldn't penetrate the deep haze of my petrified consciousness . _My siblings coming with her_… It couldn't mean what I was thinking. It just couldn't be that. But I was sure there was not a single thing in the universe I coveted more than that. My awareness was playing games with me- I was imagining things and that was the first step to insanity. I was afraid of this- but deep inside I knew that I expected to slip from sanity some day. It seemed like this day had come. I hoped at least to remember her and all the moments we shared when I was no longer me. _My siblings coming with her_… No, he really said it. I heard his tone and the emotions he gathered in these five words- his hope, his fear, his regret and his compassion. I needed to talk to him , I needed to know what was going on. For first time in ten years I wanted to know what was happening around me. I tried to move my stiffen head and broke my gaze off the spot on the wall. My body didn't respond to the commands of my brain. I haven't moved for what seemed like ages. The stupor I was in had slowly drained all my strength but I needed to go to Carlisle. In a second I was to the door and my head felt dizzy- the speed was strange to me, after all this time of immobility.

_Oh, Carlisle, my daughter is coming back to us! I missed her so much all this time. I want her to hug me and forgive me! Edward, my dear son, how will she reacts when she sees you! I love you both so dearly..! _

Esme thoughts lingered in my brain. It was true. She was really coming back to me. I couldn't suffocate the rising hope. For first time in years there was a reason for my existence, this reason was coming back to me. I run to Carlisle's office and the image of a petrified Esme just flashed through my brain but I just couldn't stop at it. I would have an eternity to made it up to her for all I made her suffer. Now all I needed was to talk to Carlisle.

I entered his office without bothering to knock. I couldn't be polite now.

"Edward?" he jumped from his chair and I saw the emotions radiating in his eyes- he was so bewildered and relieved and scared. He came to me and hugged me and I felt how much I missed my father all this time of agony. I missed his calming presence and the quiet string of his thoughts.

_How to explain him what I am about to say?_

I looked at him questioningly and tried to utter the words I wanted him to answer.

"My siblings are coming with her?" was I could manage to pronounce. This voice was not mine. It was husky- I haven't talked for such a long time. I heard Esme entering the room and sighing with relief. Then she came to me and starched her arms to me and motherly pressed me to her body. I could feel her shaking with sobs and tried to calm her by just stroking her hair. I was still staring at Carlisle, still waiting for him to confirm his words, but I knew it, I heard it in his thoughts.

"Yes, Edward. But I'm sure you want to know the whole story." He looked for confirmation in my eyes and gestured to the chair opposite his. I was already sitting in it and was impatiently waiting for the story. He had blocked his thoughts from me and I knew that he was carefully choosing the way to start.

"My involvement in this story is of no significance since what I know is from a few phone calls I received in the past days. The first one from Jasper who told me that they had seen Bella in a clip on MTV and they bought tickets for her concert. Тhey were already in Los Angeles. " Carlisle looked at me worried and was trying to hide his hesitation when he chose his next words. "She was changed, Edward. " He was still looking at me when he said those words and for a moment my mind was blank. Then his words started to make sense- I was slowly gasping their meaning. Bella was changed- that only meant that she was a vampire now. I felt utterly bewildered and angry and there was a small lingering sense of happiness. No, I should not be happy that she was fated to a monsterous existence such as mine. She was the most innocent creature ever set foot on this doomed earth and she was now votived to burn in hell, if there was such a place for these of our kind. I wanted to scream from the pain of these words. I wanted, but still this unwanted joy that I would have an eternity with her by my side was gathering its strength and slowly was overwhelming the pain and desperation. She was one of us … Carlisle saw my inner struggle and kept his silence for some time. He knew this was something I had to do by myself- to come to the conclusion that this couldn't be changed and I had no other option than to be reconciled. Then he took a deep breath and went on with his story.

" After the concert they had met her and from the conversation I had with Alice I came to the conclusion that things are very complicated. She wanted to come back home but …" Carlisle stopped.

"But what?" I was eager to hear all of it, even though I knew it was something I wouldn't like.

" but… she was not sure she can forgive you. For now." Carlisle stopped again but I saw the determination in his eyes." Edward, she was broken and she was through a lot of things I presume. I need to warn you that according to her condition it is better to be careful with her and to regard her wishes if she doesn't want to be around you. Give her time." Carlisle was pleading and as much as I hated to admit it he was right. I had caused her so much pain that it was better to follow her pace and let her decide when to come to me. I would give her all the time in the world. I would wait an eternity for her. I just nodded and left the room. I needed to be alone and to think. I needed to see her. I rushed to the computer and switched it- Carlisle said a concert in Los Angeles so it wouldn't be difficult to find the band. After 5 minutes I knew the name of the band and found their site. There were photos of my love everywhere. She was more gorgeous than I had ever imagined she could be. I just looked at her face and tried to remember every millimeter of her features but they were already carved deep inside my memory. I wanted to hear the music so I turned on the first clip in the site, the song was "Lithium". I sensed that Carlisle and Esme were behind me but I didn't do anything to show them that I acknowledged their presence. We just watched silently the gorgeous woman in front of the piano, singing about the pain and despair she was going through. I wanted to cry, but not a single tear could leave my cursed body. What had I done to the one person I adored?… I just buried my head in my hands and started shaking. My desperate sobs were of no relief to the pain inside my soul. Nothing could help now.

There was a dedication to one of the songs- "_to Steve who saved me when I was dying" _The song was called "Tourniquet" .

I tried to kill the pain  
but only brought more  
so much more  
I lay dying  
and I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal  
I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming  
am I too lost to be saved  
am I too lost?

my God my tourniquet  
return to me salvation  
my God my tourniquet  
return to me salvation

do you remember me  
lost for so long  
will you be on the other side  
or will you forget me  
I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming  
am I too lost to be saved  
am I too lost?

my God my tourniquet  
return to me salvation  
my God my tourniquet  
return to me salvation

I want to die!!!

my God my tourniquet  
return to me salvation  
my God my tourniquet  
return to me salvation

my wounds cry for the grave  
my soul cries for deliverance  
will I be denied Christ  
tourniquet  
my suicide

I looked petrified to Carlisle. Had she really tried to kill herself? But in his eyes I only saw confirmation to my biggest fears- my angel was even more broken than I was and I was the reason for all this suffering. If the fate had mercy on me the hell I belonged to would absorb me in this very moment so I would never harm her again. But there was no mercy for a monster like me. I ran to my room and closed the door behind me. I needed the stupor I was in before. I needed to forget that I exist, but the pain just wouldn't let me be.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N SM owns the characters, just make sure you don't forget it :)**

Chapter 9

BPOV

I knew we were off the plane the minute I felt Emmett's cold hands which embraced me. We must have reached Chicago because I felt the cold brisk wind touching my face. Alice and Rose were sitting next to me and Alice was rubbing calmingly my arm. I felt the panic grab me and was about to jump off the car and ran away from this place. Jasper looked at me and stretched his hand to calm me.

"Bella, don't worry. Everything will be ok. We are going home." I knew that I was going home- there was nothing I wanted more than this now but I was just afraid. I didn't know if I would have the strength to face the person who I loved more than the life itself and who didn't care for me. If only he could love me the way I did. But I reminded myself not to think about this. I didn't have the power to change things like that. My power was so insignificant, that it never really helped me. I could protect me and others around me from everything-mental or physical- but I couldn't protect myself from the agony I felt inside. So what was the point of this gift? I never told anyone about my power- no one really needed to know all about this- and I never used it. Even Steve was not aware of this- maybe the one thing I hadn't told him and it really tormented me to hide something from him. Maybe he had asked himself why I was immune to his attempts to control my body, but after my explanation that even when I was human the vampires around me couldn't use their powers on me he seemed content and never asked again. The car stopped in front of a big mansion near the woods. I slowly swallowed and gave a panicked look to Jasper and Emmett. They looked scared as well but that didn't calm me down at least. I felt like I was doing the biggest mistake in my life, but I just couldn't make myself run. I wanted to be here- to feel I belonged somewhere. This was home and for first time in 10 years I felt like I'm not the prodigal child.

I got out of the car and Jasper took my hand. I instantly felt calm and confident. I took deep breath and all the smells surrounding this place filled my lungs. His scent was all around me. I felt dizzy and drown by it. I wanted to suffocate in it and my legs just didn't listen to me anymore. All I wanted was to be next to him to fall into his eyes and , God save my damned soul, to fall into his lies. I would do anything he wanted and I would believe anything he said-even though I knew it would be a lie. I needed him to exist and was ready to fade into his light, no matter if he despised me for my weakness.

I looked at my reflection in the window of the house. The woman there was wearing a blue strapless asymmetric mini dress and her hair was in soft waves to her bottom. _He loved you in blue._ How could I tell Alice that he didn't love me? That I was never loved from the one to whom I gave everything? I sighed and tried to gain my composure. I needed to stop thinking about what could have been. I couldn't change the past- I only could try to live with it. I squeezed Jasper's hand and we headed to the entrance.

The room we entered was identical to the one they had in Forks-all the space and the whiteness but I knew the furniture was new. Edward's piano was in the center of the room and I felt an urge to pass my fingers over the keys. The keys he had touched. Carlisle and Esme were standing next to the piano and were looking at me with so much love that I wanted to just drown myself in their eyes. I stopped for a second and then like a blur I rushed to them and embraced them. I wanted to cry of happiness from the content I felt being in their arms. I knew I was home…

Esme was whispering in my ear how much she missed me and all I could do was mumble that I forgive them everything, that I love her more than I loved my own mother and I realized that I was not lying to her at that moment. She didn't let me go of her arms and we all sat at the sofa. Carlisle was stroking my hair and I knew that he was waiting for me to tell them all that happened with me that led to my current condition. I just didn't know how to start.

"Bella, we are so happy that you are back home. Our family is whole again. " Esme was radiant, she just couldn't find herself a place from the emotions drowning her. I looked at Carlisle and silently told him.

"Carlisle, I am really sorry for all the distress I caused to all of you. And I want you to know that I forgave all of you for everything." He smiled happily at my words but I saw he was worried.

"Bella, there is no need to be sorry for anything. We are the ones who should seek your forgiveness. And I want to know what happened during all these years." He was watching at me intently. I hesitated for a moment and then told him carefully choosing every word.

"Carlisle, I think it is better to show you because I don't think I have the right words to describe all that I was through."

He looked at me surprised and I tried to explain to him" My gift is to show my memories to anyone." He thought for a second before I heard his voice" Then your gift is averted to Aro's. He could see every thought that had ever been in your mind and you can show every memory that you have been through?" I just nodded. Then I took his hand and flashes from the day Edward left me in the woods started crossing my mind. I could feel the emotions drowning me but I tried to suffocate them and emerge from the abyss I was falling to. I hated showing the memories- I have done it only once with Steve and I was catatonic for days after that. I was only hoping that this time I would manage to resist. Images of everything I was through in the hospital and my days as a newborn were sliding in front of my eyes and I suppressed a moan. My days with Steve and Daniel and Peter were rolling in front of me, and when I reached the meeting with the Cullens I opened my eyes and dragged my hand from Carlisle. Jasper was sitting next to him and had his arm on his shoulder. From the pained expression on his face I could tell that he had seen all the memories as well. They both were trying to compose themselves, but from my own experience I could tell that they would need some time. I needed some time as well. Everything was dizzy again and I felt like I was about to faint. Alice embraced me at once, sensing my weakness and started stroking my hair. I felt grateful for this small gesture. I really missed my best friend and I was happy to have her back. If only I could have him back as well…. Jasper looked at surprised –I was sure he was feeling the longing and the love and I could tell that he didn't understand my emotions and what had caused them. I just looked at his eyes intently and he understood what I meant. He would never let me down and wouldn't say a word about this. I felt happy for his support and silently thanked him.

Carlisle was calming himself little by little and all of the others were just staring at him- they were surprised to see him in this condition- Carlisle rarely lost his control, if ever. But I was not ready to show all these memories to anyone else. I needed time to be able to get through them once again. I just couldn't bare the pain once again. I needed 10 years to try living with it and my control was slowly abandoning me now.

I wanted to ask about him. All were looking at me silently, as if they were waiting me to ask about him, but I couldn't make a sound. I sensed that they would respect my decision and would wait for me to be ready, but right now I didn't care. Right now I wanted them to just tell me where he was, what he was doing and how easy he managed to forget me. I would love to torture myself like that- to prove what masochistic creature I had become. All this time with the pain- I felt like I was addicted to it. And I didn't know what would become of me if one they it was gone. I felt his scent wrapped around my every nerve and his presence here was clouding my mind. I stood up and apologetically looked at Esme:

"Please, I need a minute alone…" She quickly jumped and guided me to a room on the third floor. I could sense him there, I was sure he was in the next room and was hoping to avoid a meeting with him for now so I entered the room as fast as I could and locked the door.

I stood motionless for what seemed like hours. There were footsteps behind the door and I knew someone was standing there but I couldn't move. I didn't want to move. I was not ready. I looked at the notebook on the bed- the lyrics I had written were screaming to be sung and I knew that I needed my music. It was silent in the house, I resumed they were all hunting, because Alice had mentioned something on our way from the airport. I didn't need to hunt, so they must have left without me. I was grateful- I wanted solitude and silently opened the door. There was not a single sound. I run to the piano and after a moment of hesitation sat on the bench. I run my fingers across the keys and closed my eyes. His fingers had touched these same keys with love- like he would never touch me. I suppressed a sob and started playing as silent as I could. I hardly touched the keys- I didn't want to erase his scent from them and the words of my song echoed in the space.

Please, please forgive me,  
But I won't be home again.  
Maybe someday you'll look up,  
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:  
"Isn't something missing?"

You won't cry for my absence, I know -  
You forgot me long ago.  
Am I that unimportant...?  
Am I so insignificant...?  
Isn't something missing?  
Isn't someone missing me?

_[Chorus:]_  
Even though I'm the sacrifice,  
You won't try for me, not now.  
Though I'd die to know you love me,  
I'm all alone.  
Isn't someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me,  
But I won't be home again.  
I know what you do to yourself,  
I breathe deep and cry out,  
"Isn't something missing?  
Isn't someone missing me?"

_[Chorus]_

And if I bleed, I'll bleed,  
Knowing you don't care.  
And if I sleep just to dream of you  
I'll wake without you there,  
Isn't something missing?  
Isn't something...

I stood there, the last accords of the song still echoing in my brain. I couldn't suppress the sobs any longer. I was shaking violently and buried my head in my hands, silently whispering :"Help me! Oh, God! Help me!"… The darkness in the room was so heavy that I felt it crushing on my shoulders. But there was something which bothered me. There was someone in the room and as soon I sensed his presence I lifted my eyes only to stare at the topaz eyes of my dreams…or nightmares.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N hehe, the evil me is back. thanks to all who waste their precious time to read this story, and write reviews. And to my sister who made me coffee, so i wouldn't fall asleep in front of the computer. :) **

Chapter 10

EPOV

I heard the car as soon as it drove to the allay of the house. I couldn't stay in one place, knowing that my angel was there. I felt the urge to run and wrap her in my arms and never let her go. But I reminded myself that she needed time and from all I heard in her songs she didn't want to see me. I felt more broken than ever, knowing that she needed comfort and I was not the one to offer it to her. I had promised her once to protect her- but who could protect her from me? And I have caused her so much pain, that I doubted she would find the strength in her to forgive me. I couldn't forgive myself that, and there was no way to want this from her. I heard they opened the door, but I just stood there next to my door and listened. I could feel her scent and it was like a fog that clouded my sanity, and all I could think of was to rush there and drown myself in her aroma. I couldn't move.

_Edward, it is best to stay there for now. She was through a lot of things lately so have patience._

Carlisle's thoughts got to my clouded mind and I silently slid myself to the floor. I hugged my knees and leaned my back to the wall. The thoughts of all of my family flooded my brain and I tried to block them.

My daughter… she is back home…and she said that she loved me more than her own mother… I missed her more than anything. I love her so much! I felt the jealousy that seized me. Esme was holding her in her arms, something I wanted more than anything right now. She said that she loved Esme, would she ever tell these so coveted words to me? I wanted to cry, to scream, to destroy something, because I knew that I couldn't ask her for that. She would never love me again, after all I did. After all the lies that left this acid taste in my mouth when I uttered them. I was desperate beyond words.

_What is she doing? Is that her memories?... We left. She is lying in the woods. God, stop the pain, I want to scream from this desperation… Charlie and Renee left her in a hospital. The sorrow, the anger, the loathing… how is she alive? I want to die… the drugs, they made her sleepy and all is in haze… these dull feelings-what are they? She wants to die? Blank desperation, self loathing, enormous love…suffering… pain, not so strong, like physical pain, no… she cut her wrists… relief…love…resignation, no… despair, the nurse is calling her? Another room… the haze is deeper she can't move, the pain is bigger, she is tied to a bed, joy… she is running.. slums… pain, desperation, oh.. these feelings are killing me ! stop them! STOP THEM! She wants to die… relief, happiness… eyes, topaz eyes who are watching her… darkness… pain, like fire in the blood, someone is talking, pain… she can't move… she opens her eyes.. everything is so vivid… the pain is bigger, she is live again, angry, the blood repulses her, self-loathing, love, this man is taking her to some place with music, piano- love, relief, content, she sings- ecstatic, live, joy… people talk about her- angry, repulsed, sad, pained , sorrow, She is at the concert… joy, pain, sorrow, longing, love, she sees us- pain, so much pain, longing … love?…_

_How could she feel all this? I want it to stop! … just __make __the pain stop…_

I listened to Jasper thoughts and every word in his brain was like a dagger in my long forgotten heart. How did he knew how she felt? But Carlisle thoughts were like a mirror to Jasper's so I assumed she was showing them her memories. I hated myself more than ever- I made her suffer more than even my biggest enemy deserved. I just couldn't exist any more, the pain I was burning in was unbearable. And I couldn't do a thing to help her- I could only silently watch her suffering , and that hurt me the most.

I heard someone coming to my room. I knew it was Esme and I knew Bella was with her. I was hoping that she wanted to talk to me, to see me, but I already knew the bitter truth- that was what she didn't want! Esme was screaming in her head to stay in my room , not to try to reach her, and I was shaking from the sobs, her even breathing was like the most beautiful sound I have ever heard and her scent was all around the room now. She was in the room next to me. Closer than ever in the last 10 years and yet further than ever. She didn't want to see me, she didn't want to know if I exist. I was content as long as she was near me. That was something. Her absence was what would drive me to insanity. I stood there, next to the wall, listening to every breath she took, every little sound she made till the darkness outside reminded me of the time. Someone was in front of the door, I knew it was Alice, but didn't opened it.

_Edward, we are going to hunt. I know you won't come but…Please, leave Bella alone._

She didn't say a word, just hesitated for a moment before I heard them leave the house. I was alone with Bella. Every fiber in my body was screaming to go to her, but I was ashamed of me, of my pathetic excuses, afraid of her accusing eyes and the pain I would see in them. I heard how she opened her door, and her light steps down the stairs and for a second was petrified that she would stumble and hurt herself and felt the urge to go and catch her but I remembered that she was a vampire and she didn't need my protection. I was like a child broken and alone, she didn't need me any more- she didn't need my protection. And who was I to protect her after all I had done to her? And what if she was leaving me? I took a deep breath at the thought that she might be leaving the house and heading back to Los Angeles away from me. That she couldn't bare my presence here and needed to run away from the monster I was? I couldn't bare the pain from this thought-the panic was grabbing me - and I opened the door. That's when I heard the piano. She was playing on my piano. I have never felt more jealousy than the moment she laid her fingers on the keys. How I wanted her to touch me the same way! To feel her gorgeous hands on my face…to feel her soft lips on mine, like when she loved me…

Her soft melodic voice filled the silence and reached every hollow space of my body. She was everywhere in me, and I felt whole for first time.

Please, please forgive me,

But I won't be home again.

Maybe someday you'll look up,

And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:

"Isn't something missing?"

You won't cry for my absence, I know -

You forgot me long ago.

Am I that unimportant...?

Am I so insignificant...?

Isn't something missing?

Isn't someone missing me?

Even though I'm the sacrifice,

You won't try for me, not now.

Though I'd die to know you love me,

I'm all alone.

Isn't someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me,

But I won't be home again.

I know what you do to yourself,

I breathe deep and cry out,

"Isn't something missing?

Isn't someone missing me?"

And if I bleed, I'll bleed,

Knowing you don't care.

And if I sleep just to dream of you

I'll wake without you there,

Isn't something missing?

Isn't something...

She stopped and buried her head in her hands. I couldn't take it any more. I wanted to be next to her and I didn't care if I would regret for this for the rest of my existence. I stopped at the piano but she sensed my presence. Suddenly she raised her head and looked me in the eyes. I was absorbed by the dept of the pain in them, I was falling and wanted to just break the gaze and look away but I couldn't. I wouldn't.

"Bella…" the broken whisper was all I could manage to utter.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N Finally back! :)**** Thanks again to everyone for their patience, I haven't slept for quite a time to finish some more chapters. And Merry Christmas :) You guys are great**

Chapter 11

BPOV

The moment I met his eyes was the moment my whole world collapsed and shattered around me. It was like someone had erased the last ten years and I was again just Bella, but what scared me was the emotions that flooded-all the love and the pain that I had tried to deafen. And there was emptiness. Emptiness that seized every part of me and I felt like a shell, soulless shell with nothing left. His eyes were like endless sea of regret and I desperately tried to break the gaze and look away, but I couldn't move. I saw myself sidelong, like I had left my body and was petrified by the expression on my face- there was nothing, like a blank canvas waiting for its creator. I knew it would be difficult to face him and I knew that I was not ready for whatever happened, but I couldn't run away from this moment. And finally it had come.

I heard him. "Bella…" My name on his lips, he was whispering my name with his velvet voice… And I couldn't remember anything else, except this sound. I couldn't remember all the efforts to forget it, the pain, the anger… When he uttered my name, I couldn't be more sure that I was not that girl anymore. She had died so many years ago, and the only part left of her was her body, even though that body was not the same. Her innocence, her vulnerability, her trust were long gone, all he ever found alluring was missing. I thought that I could blame him for that, but there was no strength in me left to blame him for anything.

"Bella, please, I want… " He nervously ran his fingers through his bronze hair and I moved my gaze from his face. My mind was screaming with pain, all I could think of was to stand up and run, but I couldn't.

"Don't, Edward. Don't say anything… "My voice broke on the last words and I felt the pain again. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, I couldn't move. I didn't want to hear whatever he was trying to tell me- and deep inside I knew what it would be. I just couldn't hear it out loud. I couldn't bear to hear how sorry he was that he left, I couldn't bear his regret and his pity for the girl he once departed and most of all I couldn't bear the look on his face when he said those words.

"Bella, you don't understand. "He was looking at me with his pleading eyes and his pain hurt me. But I understood and that was what scared me. I quickly stood up and in a flash I was outside the house. I knew that he would try to follow me and ran as fast as I could. I didn't know where I was going, my feet found their way by themselves, and I wasn't surprised when I found myself in a place that was like the meadow. In the meadow he once took me to, where I felt my biggest happiness and my deepest pain. I haven't been there since the day he was gone. Everything in this place was the same, except for the woman who stood like a lifeless broken statue in the center. The same trees, the same grass, the same scent. His scent. I inhaled deeply and he was in front of me- telling me that he didn't love me anymore, that he didn't want me to go with him, that I would be better without him. I collapsed on my knees and buried my head in my hands. I knew all this- I didn't need to see it repeating all over again. I wanted to reach my memories and extract this one and destroy it, but how could I? The darkness around me was nothing compared to the darkness that seized every part of me.

I pictured my life- the endless chain of boring days, filled with pain, which turned to weeks and months and years. The same scenario repeated over and over again- me, trying to find a reason to endure another purposeless moment on this earth, me trying to cope with the desire to end my suffering, me trying to erase the past. There was never a moment in my existence when I wanted to end the eternity for me more than now . The thought that we could never be together was more than real at this moment, and the little hope that was buried deep inside my soulless body was gone. I was seized by the emptiness, and I was glad. I didn't want to feel anything, I just wanted to close my eyes and to sink to the deepest and darkest places in my mind- where the pain couldn't reach me and grasp me with its fingers. I wanted to be free of every single memory I had- to lock them in a place I couldn't find, to lose the key and never find it again. My future was inevitable-and I dreamed about the death I could never experience, which I coveted more than I ever coveted anything. I didn't find my home- my sanctuary- here and I wanted to cry over my loss over and over again. I was again homeless, because the home I was seeking was a place for the Bella that had died. And I was another matter. I couldn't destroy all the others with me, to take them with me to my personal hell, so I had to do the one thing I was good at. I had to leave. I had to do this for them and for myself. I gathered myself, all the shattered pieces left of the person I used to be and was in front of the house in what seemed like seconds. I didn't know how to do this and I sure that they would be hurt, but I didn't have any options. The door opened in front of me before I managed to touch it and I saw the terrified eyes of Alice in front of me. She knew. And I was more than sure what I had to do was right.

"Bella, please! Don't do this." She wrapped her arms around me and didn't let me go, as if she was trying to stop me. I couldn't move but finally managed to enter the house with Alice still holding me. They were all in the living room, waiting for me. I knew Alice had told them, she might have had a vision for my decision and they were all looking at me with desperate pleas in their eyes.

"I know that you will not agree with what I'm about to say, but, please, regard my decision and…. Just let me be." No one said anything- they were still looking at me and I felt how my confidence was slowly slipping and I didn't know what to say.

" I really love all of you…but I need to learn to live by myself. Thank you for all you did for me ..but I have to go now." Esme and Alice were sobbing but I couldn't do anything, not now, when I was about to leave. I turned around when Edward grabbed my hand. I felt the same shock as the first time he touched me all those years ago-the electricity ran through my body and I was petrified. I couldn't look him in the eyes. I wouldn't live through this I was sure. Emmett and Carlisle pulled Edward away from me, and I heard his voice-he was telling me something but I couldn't listen. I just couldn't bear to hear anything he said. The agony in his voice made me feel some strange feeling-a faint satisfaction. His pain was not like mine, but he was feeling something, even though not what I wanted him to feel. I was more than sure that the moment to leave had come. I was going to think what to do with my life afterwards, all I had to do now was to get to Los Angeles. Or anywhere- the place didn't matter as long as it was away form here.

"Bella, let me please drive you to the airport." Carlisle was next to me, and I just nodded in my desire to leave as soon as I could. He took his phone and in an instant we were in his Mercedes. There was silence, and I was grateful for that. A lot of things were left unsaid but it was better this way. Some things should never be said, and I only hoped that I would have the strength to survive, even though the thought of that was not alluring.

"Bella, I am really sorry for what happened. You can come home every time you want, I will inform you for our whereabouts as soon as we move. " Carlisle was trying to keep his composure but I felt how hurt he was of my departure.

"Carlisle, I'm so sorry. You are my family, you were like my father in a lot of ways and it hurts me to do this, but… I don't have choice. I am a weak creature… I just want to learn to live again. And that's not the way. " I didn't want to look him in the eyes, and as soon as we reached the airport I jumped out of the car and left him standing there. I couldn't say goodbye. I knew that I just needed to get out of that city and bought a ticket to the first place I could think of. Washington. Our next concert was supposed to be there so I called Steve to inform him that I would be there in several hours.

The endless hours in the plane were like years, but I knew that the pain I was in would be unbearable if I had stayed. It was time to face the truth- I couldn't forgive so easily, even if I wanted. They had one another, they would find their solace in one another. It was me the one who had to manage to live in loneliness -it was my destiny- to wander through the living like a walking dead shell- and I had to endure my fate. At least I had my music.

EPOV

I watched helplessly when every step she took brought her further away from me. She was gone, my mind was screaming, but Emmett was holding me in his tight grip and I couldn't make a move. There was no point in fighting- nothing would make her stay-she was stubborn as ever and I knew it was inevitable. She was gone. And I now sensed it was for ever. She walked away from my life like I had walked away from hers so many years ago. I didn't get my chance to tell her all I wanted, how I loved her, how I still love her, all the lies I had told her, how they destroyed our lives… I didn't…

"Edward, be strong!" Alice was next to me, she had wrapped her arms around me and was whispering in my ear. I looked at her with empty eyes, my silent question lingering between us- how could I be strong when the reason for my existence was gone again? I collapsed to my knees, there was not a single thought in my mind, only the inner voice that screamed "She is gone", over and over again. Her eyes would haunt me for the rest of my eternity and I was drown in the agony of that helpless desperation. I didn't fight it anymore. I just wanted to stop the pain and I closed my eyes…

3 weeks later

APOV

The silence in the house was unbearable. We were like walking shadows since the day Bella left. I remembered the day I had entered Edward's room two weeks ago- if I needed to persuade him to hunt I would do it- but the emptiness in the room scared me. There was no one. The panic was slowly burning its way through my petrified mind, and I remembered screaming Carlisle's name. All after that was like an endless blur. The search, the calls to all the people we knew, who might have seen him. The visits to all the places we could think of ,desperately hoping to find him there. But everything ended in the same way-there was not a single trace of him. But what scared me most was the absence of any visions of his future- like he didn't exist anymore. For days I sat in my room with my head in my hands, trying again and again to have one single flash of him-just to know he was alive- but there was nothing. And I was slowly starting to realize that what I dreaded the most might have come true. I couldn't face anyone of my family- I couldn't bear the pain in their eyes, their constant hope that I might have seen something and their disappointment when they found out that I haven't. The burden was too heavy for my scattered heart and I wanted to share it with somebody. I remembered the hundreds of times I had taken the phone and had started dealing the one number I was afraid of. I couldn't do this to her- she didn't want to have anything with us and telling her what might have happened with Edward was the biggest mistake I could do. She still loved him- I could see that in her eyes- and that would devastate her completely. For first time in my life I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what was happening and I didn't know how to help the people I loved more than my life.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N i don't own the characters :)**

BPOV

The weeks were passing slowly like years, dragging on like an endless string of emptiness. The tour was over, but I couldn't remember anything. The audience on every concert was fused in front of my eyes- I couldn't see the faces, there were only two topaz eyes that haunted me. I saw him everywhere and everything reminded me of him. I hardly noticed the numerous interviews and photo shoots after every concert, and the time on the stage was the only moments that my mind registered.

"Bells, we should be leaving. The boys are waiting you outside." Natasha peeped in my dressing room and I managed to shoot her a faint smile and nodded. She entered the room and sat on the chair in front of the mirror. I put my jeans on and a blouse, but I couldn't care less what I was wearing, it didn't matter at all. Natasha sighed heavily and looked at me:

"I know that something happened during these days you were gone. I mean after the first concert. If you want, I will be happy to listen to. You know, I will never say a word." She was unsure what more to say, and was watching me with worry.

"Nathy, really, don't worry about me. I'm fine." There was no point in talking about the past- and I didn't want anyone to bring up the subject of my disappearance a few weeks ago. I preferred all that happened then to be forgotten.

"Ok, but if you change your mind, I'll be happy to help you. I'll be outside." She stood up and left the room. I looked around me. The notebook with the lyrics I've written the past one month was lying on the coach- I put it in the bag I took from the table and followed Natasha out of the room. Steve and Peter were in front of the door and the moment they saw me huge grins lit their faces.

"Babes, let's go. Daniel is already outside and as far as I know the Glamour reporter has cornered him with interesting statements. Let's save him" They were actually enjoying Daniel's distress and I ran after them to the crowd outside.

It was time to move on. I knew deep inside me that I had enough time suffering and it was time to change something. I loved music but this constant fuse was wearing me off. I had to quit this kind of life. I was afraid of that- music was the only thing that saved me from the loneliness but 2 years in this whirlpool called fame had used me up. I didn't know how to do this, but I had to quit the band and start my life quietly somewhere away from the spotlight.

I entered the car, Peter, Daniel and Steve after me and we drove to the hotel. Our flight to Los Angeles was in 2 hours and there was enough time to tell the others about my plans.

They sensed I was up to something but waited till we entered Steve's room till they all turned to me and looked me questioningly.

"Ok, Bells, tell us what is going on." Daniel was the first to break the silence.

"I don't know what to tell you. It will be better to be direct…" I stopped and took a deep breath. I didn't imagine it to be so hard. " I think I had enough of this. I want to quit.' They were speechless. I could only hear the fuzz of the people in the hotel but not a sound from the three in front of me. I couldn't hear them breathe, nothing. Just silence.

"Um, I think it was time." Steve was watching me intently. Daniel looked at him at once and then turned his gaze to me.

"Yeah, it was enough. I need some peace as well." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. And it was not what I was expecting, not at all. I wanted them to shout, to convince me that it was a mistake, but all I saw in their eyes was silent content. Maybe I was overreacting when I thought that they would be angry that I wanted to end our career.

"Are you boys sure?" I knew what this band meant to them and felt pain that I was taking this life from them.

Peter was the first to speak:" Bells, you know what this life is about. We were fed up with it long ago, but we knew what music was to you. We did it for you. If you think you had enough, we will be happy to follow you." He hugged me and kissed my chick. I felt grateful for the wonderful people that were around me in this moment.

"But after we issue the last album. I know about the lyrics you were working on." Steve was watching me with intense calamity and I knew I owe him this. This last album would be our goodbye with music. And the beginning of the rest of eternity without hope and love. My official farewell with what was left of Bella.

"Ok, then it is decided. We can start as soon as we get in Los Angeles." I nodded and left the room. I needed to be alone so I went to the car, parked outside the hotel. I turned the radio on and the soothing sounds of Debussy's Clair de Lune filled the silence. Memories flashed through my mind- how I turned the CD player in his car, and he apologetically looked at me, embarrassed that he listened to classic music. His surprise that I knew about Debussy and his joy that I liked Clair De Lune. I could not think about him- I forbade myself a long ago. But that promise I broke over and over again. I turned the radio off and felt someone entering the car. I smelled Steve and Peter and knew that any second Daniel would emerge from the hotel as well. As soon as they were all in the car I drove off. Natasha was already waiting at the airport and I felt relief that we were about to leave this town. I wanted to start the work on the new album, because as soon as it was finished I would be able to leave somewhere far away. But wherever I went it wouldn't be far away enough from him.

The airport in Los Angeles was crowded and Natasha had managed to find a limousine to escort us to Steve's. I didn't have a place to go so I decided to stay at his mansion till the album was ready. I only hoped that Marta wouldn't be too angry with me- sometimes I could feel the jealousy she was radiating, but I knew that she is ashamed to feel this way towards me. I and Steve were friends and she knew that I thought of him as my bigger brother. Peter and Daniel rented a big house in one of the fanciest neighborhoods, but they decided that Steve's place was more convenient because of the new project. We all were eager to end this sort of life and locked ourselves in the studio after we hunted.

"Bells, let me see the lyrics." Peter was sitting in front of the piano, vacantly stroking the keys. I passed him the notebook and sat on the sofa. I waited to hear anything from him. But he silently read them, and then looked at me.

"That is different. A good end." Steve and Daniel were next to him in an instant and after some time Steve cleared his throat. " Definitely different." No one said anything after that. We started trying various tunes for the songs but I already had in mind what I wanted these lyrics to sound like. I sat in front of the piano and started playing. After some time Daniel joined me and when Steve found the right rhythm the song formed in my head. It was what I wanted it sound like, and I was pleased.

I still recall the taste of your tears

Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ear

My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore

Scraping through my head 'til I don't want to sleep anymore

You make this all go away

You make this all go away

I just want something

I just want something I can never have

You always were the one to show me how

Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now

This thing is slowly taking me apart

Grey would be the color if I had a heart

Come on tell me

You'll make this all go away

You'll make this all go away

I'm down to just one thing

And I'm starting to scare myself

You'll make this all go away

You'll make this all go away

I just want something

I just want something I can never have

In this place it seems like such a shame

Though it all looks different now

I know it's still the same

And everywhere I look you're all I see

Just a fading reminder of who I use to be

Come on tell me

You'll make this all go away

You'll make this all go away

I'm down to just one thing

And I'm starting to scare myself

You'll make this all go away

You'll make this all go away

I just want something

I just want something I can never have

I just want something I can never have

I couldn't stop thinking about him. All of my songs were dedicated to him and the devastating desire I had to forgive him, but the impossibility to do so. I imagined what we could have together- but in some other life, in some universe. I wanted something which I could never have-his love. And it hurt like hell.

My voice was filled with desperation and longing. I hated myself for my never ending love- I hated myself for being so weak, but to stop loving him was like to stop to exist. Something I coveted but could never have.

Steve and the boys were extremely satisfied with the song and we recorded the demo. I was going to send it to Natasha, so she would find the producers for our last album. We hadn't told her about our decision to end our career, and were afraid of her reaction. She took all this business too seriously and I was sure she would be very disappointed.

We spent the night watching some films Steve had chosen and I was grateful that they left me to my thoughts. I needed time to arrange my priorities but after the night had passed I was in the same position I was before-without a clue what I was supposed to do with my life.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N thank you guys for all the reviews...they mean a lot to me....sorry i didn't update sooner but as you know it is new year's eve and i am selebrating here.. :) hope there will be no disappointed people with the chapter but that's the way i feel the story should be going to, so sorry if you don't like it.. :) i do my best....but i just feel like it should be like this :) don't be very mad at me :) i love you all and i write it for you :) and Happy New Year!!!!!!! have a great tame celebrating this particular holiday!!!! kisses**

BPOV

"We are happy to present the band that shook the music world-Flyleaf. Nice to see you guys here after the devastating tour you had last month. How do you feel?" the woman who was our host in the studio was extremely nervous and I smiled to her before I answer her questions:

"Well, we are happy to be here as well. We are still a little torn out ,but very pleased with the tour. The fans everywhere were very supportive and we would like to thank them for all their love."

"So, there are rumors about a new album. Is that true?" Steve looked at me before he answered the question:

"In fact the album is already completed. We were very eager to finish it and finally it is what we wanted it to be." The reporter was very surprised but satisfied that this new was mentioned in her show.

"So, the album is ready? Will you tell us something more about it?" I took the word:

"Yes. The name of the album is "Eternity" but we are not sure when it will be released. There won't be a tour unfortunately. In fact there is something we need to announce. This album is our goodbye to the music. It will be our last album and we will be happy if our fans like it because it means a lot to us." The studio went silent. I looked at the boys, they were moving uncomfortably in their seats. The woman, whose name was Shania was gazing at us with open mouth. It took her a minute to compose herself and ask her next question:

"Wow, that was a news. Why have you decided to end your careers? You are on top of the charts and one of the most famous bands? And why do you end it with an album?"

"The decision was made after the tour last month. We need the solitude which we could not experience with this kind of life we are leading now. We made "eternity" as contribute to all the tough moments we had, together and as individuals, especially mine. It is our way to cope with them. We probably would continue making music, but for us- we wouldn't release anything after this album"

"Bella, you postponed the concert in Washington. What was the reason for the delay?" the reporter was nervous when she asked the question, but I expected it.

"I had personal reasons which I will not mention here and now. It was something connected to my personal life, and I apologize to all the people who suffered from my decision." The double meaning of my words held acceptation only to me in this room. But I knew that if the Cullens were watching this they would understand that I was apologizing to them. I hoped that they would, because the guilt I was drowning in was getting too difficult to handle.

"So, will you play us something of this new album?"

Peter interrupted her:

"In fact we were supposed to play several songs from our last album, but we changed our mind and we are going to play several from the new unreleased one." We stood up and I announced the first one:

"The first song is called "have we lost" and is about the way we have changed and the people we have become."

Please, don't tell me anymore,

There's a weight in your eyes, and it weighs on my heart,

Where have the children gone?

We were innocent once...that was so long ago,

Have we lost our way back home?

We have made mistakes I know, I know,

As I sang these lines I felt how lost I was in real. I didn't have a home to return to , I have lost everything I wished to have. The emotions were suffocating me and my voice was trembling with pain. My fingers stiffened on the guitar but I tried to compose myself and go on.

Don't tell me of better days,

There's a memory I have, it could be something I read,

Of laughter and cheap guitars,

In a house full of friends, it could have been one of ours,

They stayed up late and loved the stars,

I can't remember the rest, just a few parts,

Have we lost our way back home?

We have made mistakes, I know, I know,

I think they've lost something that they miss,

I want to find that book, dust it of, and read it again,

There was hope in the end,

Have we lost our way back home?

We have made mistakes, I know,

We were braver, still, when we were young,

And, when we were young we spoke in tongues.

The last notes echoed in the silence, and I took a deep breath. I was overwhelmed with the sorrow, I never imagined it would be so difficult to sing these words in front of an audience. Like I was admitting out loud how homeless I felt and how much I had lost. But I needed to go on and finish what I had started.

"The next song is called "so I thought". It is about the mistakes we make, and about the hope to be given a second chance. It is about the real love and the denial."

All your twisted thoughts free flow

To everlasting memories

Show soul

Kiss the stars with me

And dread the wait for

Stupid calls returning to us to life

We say to those who are in love

It can't be true 'cause we're too young

I know that's true because so long I was

So in love with you

So I thought

A year goes by

And I can't talk about it

On my knees

Dim lighted room

Thoughts free flow try to consume myself in this

I'm not faithless

Just paranoid of getting lost or that I might lose

Ignorance is bliss cherish it

Pretty neighborhoods you learn too much to hold

Believe it not

And fight the tears

With pretty smiles and lies about the times

A year goes by

And I can't talk about it

The times weren't right

And I couldn't talk about it

Chorus romance says goodnight

Close your eyes and I'll close mine

Remember you, remember me

Hurt the first, the last, between

Chorus romance says goodnight

Close your eyes and I'll close mine

Remember you, remember me

Hurt the first, the last, between

And I'm praying that we will see

Something there in between

Then and there that exceeds all we can dream

So we can talk about it

I played the solo trying to focus on the guitar and the notes but he was so deep in me that I couldn't erase him from my mind. I wrote this song when I realized that I was not ready to face him. I wanted, but I couldn't talk about what happened between us, it was still too vivid inside of me, even though there were so many years since that moment.

Chorus romance says goodnight

Close your eyes and I'll close mine

Remember you, remember me

Hurt the first, the last between

Chorus romance says goodnight

Close your eyes and I'll close mine

Remember you, remember me

Hurt the first, the last time

And I'm praying that we will see

Something there in between

Then and there that exceeds all we can dream

"The next song is dedicated to someone very special to me- my best friend- Alice Cullen, who was like a sister to me" Steve looked at me surprised- he didn't know I wrote this song for Alice. I just nodded as a silent answer to his unsaid question. Yeah, Steve. The same Alice Cullen.

Thank you for being

such a friend to me

Oh I pray a friend for life

And have I ever told you

how much you mean to me

Oh you mean so much to me

I'm thinking all the time

how to tell you what I feel

I'm contemplating phrases

I'm gazing on eternity

I am floating in serenity

And I am so lost for words

And I am so overwhelmed

Please don't go just yet

Can you stay a moment please

We can dance together

We can dance forever

Under your stars tonight

We'll live and breathe this dream

Close your eyes, but don't dream too deep

And please pass me some memories

And when I fall you're underneath

A thousand broken hearts

Carried by a thousand broken wings

A thousand broken wings

I remembered all the times I had spent with her- all the moments we shared, and if I could cry , I would be doing so right now. I wanted them back in my life-no, I needed them like I needed my music, like I needed the light to stay sane, like I needed to forget the pain. But I had to beat my inner demon who kept telling me that I would be more broken than I was if I decided to return to them. This inner fight was taking all my strength , but I had to decide. Would I survive if I faced him or was it too much for me? I looked around me, the boys were already sitting on the coach again, and Shania was waiting me to join them.

I sat next to them and waited for the questions that I knew would follow:

"So, Bella. The last song is dedicated to your best friend Alice, right? Tell us something more about her, please."

" Alice is very important person in my life. I wrote this song after our last meeting as a reminder for all we shared and all we missed, for all that I couldn't tell her because I was afraid." I looked away from the camera- I didn't want anyone to see the pain in my eyes.

Shania asked some more things about the album and the songs in it. Steve and Daniel answered them, because I couldn't make myself concentrate on what she was talking. Finally I was free to leave the studio, and after a fake smile and several goodbyes I was out. I sighed with relief when I entered the car. Daniel was driving , but I couldn't pay any attention on their conversation. All I could do was to stare at the phone I was holding at the one number I was dreading to deal. But there was nothing I wanted more in this moment than to hear the voice that sounded like thousand bells. My fingers were trembling but I couldn't stop myself.

"Bella?" the surprise and the happiness in her voice couldn't be mistaken. I was relieved.

"Alice, I just wanted to hear you." I didn't know what to say. The mere fact that I could hear her in the speaker was enough to make me smile.

"Bella, we watched you on MTV. You were great. I'm so so flattered by your song, I can't describe it. Thank you, Bella" she was speaking so fast I could hardly understand what she was talking about. But that was Alice- her endless energy would always surprise me.

"Alice, you are my best friend. That's the least I can do for you. I am happy you liked it." She interrupted me and I could sense the worry in her voice.

"Bella, there is something I need to tell you. Something happened after you left . Don't know how to start. And don't know if you want to know." She whispered and I was sure that whatever had happened it was connected with Edward. I didn't know how to answer her, but I wanted to know. I hesitated for a moment.

"Alice, tell me what's going on."

"He left. After you were gone, he was catatonic. For weeks he didn't move from his room, and when I finally burst into his room to try to make him come with us for hunt the room was empty. He was gone. We don't know where he is and what is going on with him. I can't see anything. " She was sobbing while she was speaking and all went blank around me. I dropped the phone and screamed to Daniel to go to the airport.


End file.
